In Which I Say To Self, "That Sounds Hard"

I wrote an advice blogs for years and am JUST NOW realizing how annoying that is.

I had caffeine with a friend and alcohol with another friend. I had lots of revelations about how much I just can't know anyone else's struggle. Its impossible to walk in their shoes, as one said. Who cares what my opinions are on other people's lives. Statement, not question.

I've been wrong about a lot, and I've published most of it here to really rub the salt in. I've given up whatever "faith" used to be to me and pretty much take guidance from gut feelings and Yogi tea tags.

"By honoring your words, you are honored."
"If you don't love where you come from, you can't love where you're going."
"We are here to love each other, serve each other and uplift each other."
"Socialize with compassion, kindness and grace."

image via

Love! Compassion! St. John's Wort steeped for 5 minutes!

On what I can advise (myself) is how to just be with your feelings. Let them out when they need to be out. Practice self care. Practice listening. Forgive people when they try to tell you to put your feelings away and just "embrace it" already. YogiTeaJesus knows I need some forgiveness for that, too.

In this advice about getting through mundane cocktail parties, we're asked to just level with people instead of trying to identify with them. "That sounds hard," is always the best response to hearing about someone's career. It helps them feel heard. Important. Sympathy.

Same goes for moving, divorce, unemployment, depression, loss, overwhelming wins, guilt, backhanded compliments and just "venting".

"That sounds hard."
"Yeah, it is."

Why Comedians Are The Saddest

Source: greatbigcanvas.com viaRoxanne on Pinterest

This is one of those rare occasions where I know the exact type of image I want for a post: the theater masks of comedy and tragedy.

I imagine that people think that comedians are the happiest of people. If it is your job to make others laugh, wouldn't it make sense that you're happy yourself?

I'm sure there are happy comedians out there, I just think their in the minority.

I think, comedians give away their happiness so that others can laugh. I think they live normal or even strained lives and see the silver lining or, more often, the dark, funny side for us. They get in the worst of pickles and chose to expose their pitfalls for our amusement.

The ultimate "we'll laugh about this later."

But they still experience the worst. Relationships falter. Expenses mount. Weight never seems to balance (physical and emotional).

So by that logic, they would just be as sad as anyone else, right? Maybe not.

I think comedians are the saddest because:

1) their comedy is a defense mechanism - they aren't looking on the bright side, they are looking at the funny side (which is most likely not so bright and can be self-deprecating or downright awful)
2) the illusion of a happy comedian makes others overlook the severity of their sadness

Look at your favorite comedian. Do they struggle with family issues? Substance abuse? Emotional distress? Are they singled out for their weight, gender, sexual orientation, ethnic background, or other physical attribute? Are these the very reasons you find them funny? If you were to describe them, would you have a hard time not mentioning that they're fat/Jewish/gay?

What do you think?

Not Really a Flip-It Friday: Treat Yo-Self... Nicely

Source: herphany.tumblr.com via Marie on Pinterest

Kidlets, my head is heller-hurtin' and things have been craze at work.

My boss(es) are out, the merger is still in full swing, the company newsletter is due (and done, son!) and I just got asked to write a 2-inch binder full of jazz about a person I've never met. Like a book report where no one wrote the book yet. I'm telling you this just to give you context and update my parents. Hi dad!

Let me put the slang down and talk about love. Self Love.

Source: Uploaded by user via Mmerci Encore on Pinterest

I don't mean anything physical or egotistical. I mean take self respect and intensify it. Add some compassion. 

People (no one) ask me all the time (never has happened) how I keep going (where?).

My one health-related motto is to

Be Kind To One's Self.

All diets, exercise routines, beauty regimens, skin care products- all philosophy on beauty and health- can be deduced down to being kind to your body. 

Same for mental and emotional health.

Just ask yourself, "Is this kind."

Is having a bottle of wine all to yourself kind to your skin/liver/stomach/sleep/text message contacts?

Is slouching at your desk kind to your spine/neck/confidence?

Is eating that chocolate kind? Yes because it's dark chocolate and the endorphins/caffeine you get is worth it!

Is worrying kind?

Is self-doubt kind?

Is punishing yourself for forgetting your lunch kind? No, just go get a sandwich, girl! You have other fish to fry... on second thought, get fish tacos for lunch!

And for heaven's sake, don't use that Pinterest recipe for a detox bath and put epsom salts, tea tree oil, baking soda and eucalyptus oil all in the bath at once. You are weirdly allergic to the combination and it will make you feel like your tepid bath is a new form of "enhanced interrogation".

Not really a flip-it Friday, but I welcome the comments. How do you treat yourself well?

A nod to yesterday's post:

Source: funsquito.com via Fun on Pinterest

Macklemore 2013!

Advice: A Smattering Of

Wear sunscreen on your ears. Melanoma can get in.your.ears. My boss is undergoing microsurgery and radiation in his ear canal and will need reconstructive surgery for the outside of his ear. In the mean time, he looks like he's wearing part of a water polo cap.

Not my boss

Don't use the salutation "Warm Regards". It makes me think of urine. And now, it will make you think of urine too. That, coupled with the picture above, will make you think that someone peed in the pool. You're welcome.

Go to bed. If you are doing anything important at 11 pm and you start making mistakes, take that as a sign that it's time to go to bed. You will be better prepared in the morning and most likely won't make as many mistakes. Or break as much stuff. This applies to guitar playing, paperwork, marriage and flashcards.

Brang (as in the past tense of "bring") isn't a word. Urban Dictionary doesn't even let it slide, so why would I? In the workplace, no less. This person has been described by more than one of my team as "a box of rocks". Two things I know about my company? We aren't interested in being sensitive or hiring quality. High five.

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I've not been myself lately. As an introvert I just need a lot of "me time" and I'm not really getting it. Ya'll saw my schedule a few days (weeks? I have no concept of time) ago. It's not that I am double booked, but I am just not ever alone. Never quiet. I feel inadequate for not being able to handle a 40 hour work week, 4 days of social involvement, 3 work outs, 2 days spent driving, and 1.5 days of being "on" with family (more-so "on" with the in-laws than with my own fam).

Jenny Lawson can sympathize (and she's where I get the urge to say "Ya'll". It makes complaining more endearing).

I joke (sweetjesusIhopeIamjoking) that this over-load is the stuff that makes people snap.

Like, for instance, we are trying to buy a house. We are doing all the paperwork semi-electronically and some of it is password protected. The lender sent along all this G.D. paperwork and locked it up with a password but then didn't send along the password so we could unlock and sign the mother-f'er. I replied to the lender and CC'd my husband (my email is the only one on the account, you know... because that makes sense) that the lender should REPLY ALL WITH THE PASSWORD. What do they do? They reply just to me.

A normal person would just forward the email and move on.

But me? I swear in my head on everything that is dear to me that I will crawl through the computer and scratch the face of the email sender. Neither a borrower or a lender be... in this case because Imma gonna hurt ya'll. (See how nice that sounded?) And I do all of this mental-attack with a straight face, tired-droopy eyes while sipping my coffee.

Beware of any in-person paperwork signings. I'm bound to hurtle the boardroom table and give everyone on the other side a wide-eyed, ballpoint tracheostomy.

Advice: Look for clues when determining if your loved one has a problem.

I saw that in my last post, the one about balls, church and the great hat chase of 2011, in the background of the photo you can see...

vacuums.

Of course. Vacuum aisle is his sanctuary. Not to be sacrilegious.

S is obsessed with vacuums. We have 4. I try to stop him, but he's a clean machine and vacuums are his tool of choice.

He may lint roll the cats. He may let the cold groceries spoil on the counter so he can reorganize a closet. He may vacuum the air...

But he puts up with me blogging about him, chasing him through Target, going through large bouts of anti-social behavior and making fun of him to his face.

I'm just gracious and patient like that. Ha!

And he secretly loves all of this attention. Ha!

Beverage pairing: a New Glarius beer. S brought me back some soap made from one of their beers when on a tour recently. So one of my wish list items of beer soap has been fulfilled! He didn't even see the blog post on it, he just reasoned that I like soap. I do. I love bar soap.

If I had to do it over, I might not have said "balls"...

Sometimes I give advice from an experience in my life that did not go well, one about which I should have given myself some better advice. Such an experience happened last night.

S and I had a newly-married small group send-off dinner. We've been in this lil class for 6 weeks (we skipped 2 for various conflicts) and at the end we, ideally, get matched with other couples to make up some small groups for Bible study. Neat neat.

We were going around the large, last-supper-like table saying our "how we met stories". S leaned to me and whispered, "Do we say what really happened?" I confirmed that now was the time to get it out in the open that we met at a college party in which I was dancing on the bar (*sober).

So we fessed up - sitting right.  next. to. the. pastor. and. his. wife. They are a great bunch and really easy going. We thought we could get away with the truth in front of God, His pastors, and a bunch of our peer-strangers.

S said we talked that night and then he waited a week like a "real man" to find me on facebook and then ask me out in a non-threatening way via FB email. Chuckles all around for his timid action and then... I did it... I said balls.

"You can tell who has balls in this relationship."

I was dancing on a bar in a crowded room and he didn't have the cha-ho-neighs to ask me out in person. Good LORD why did I say balls?? I couldn't even sensor that. Not to mention earlier, in the parking lot, I was loudly carrying on a hypothetical conversation that involved naming a child "Toyota" and then distancing yourself from them as a parent, and of course people heard me ... good. Lord. I just can't be stopped apparently.

I got a pat on the back from laid-back pastor and a good hearty laugh from the room. Oh and a red-faced husband. I got that too.

Of course we later made a trip to Target in which I chased him around (whist chanting his name, no less) with this hat in my hands and then, once I caught him, demanded that he pose for a photo.

I'm keeping this photo small to protect the innocent, although, not really protecting them as I still posted it. I might be crusin' for a bruisin'.

All in all, I hope the church still lets me in the door, the kids accept me into their married small group and that my husband both lets me in the door AND into his married small group.

Advice? Cool it and sensor yourself when dining with a pastor and some churchy peers.

Beverage pairing? Apple water. Cut some apples, put them in water, and then drink it. We had it last night at dinner and it was refreshing.

Tipsy Tuesday: J.Mill's Take on the Mrs. Lilien's 7 Persuasions of the Extraordinarily Successful

Pretty awesome list of how to be awesome from Mrs. Lilien (blogger I just found today via Fancy Schmantzy's blog roll). Boom goes the name dropping and the shout-outs. I know Mitzi of Fancy Schmantzy personally. I have no idea if the Mrs. is even a woman. Here we go.

I decided to do my own list of 7 Persuasions Of Awesomeness. Here's the J.Mill version:

1) The Mrs. says: Bedeck to Impress.

J.Mill says: Dress to the 9's, yes. Dare to upstage. Think: "Can I get away with wearing jeans?" But then add a blazer. Avoid wearing panty hose unless it's cold. Panty hose will cut-you-in-half. I have the oddly mishapen waistline to prove it.

2) The Mrs. says: Begin with High Stakes in Mind.

J.Mill says: Under promise, over deliver. If you set the bar low, then people will appreciate your follow-through. Get a pat on the back just for waking up in the morning whenever possible.

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"Hiiii-ya!" She gets a pat (or did that sound like a chop) on the back for waking up, fo sho.

3) The Mrs. says: Put Leisure First

J.Mill says: Can't argue there. Just make sure you define leisure in your own specially-tailored way. I, for instance, find shopping to be stressful, not leisurely. I'm more of a stare-out-the-window type of relaxer. Speaking of relaxers, muscle-putty-pills work for leisure-inducing too! Or at least they make shopping tollerable. You may walk out of a downtown Chi-town Target with nothing on your list, but at least you walk out of Target (as opposed to running, screaming out of Target).

4) The Mrs. says: Think Chin-chin. (cocktails)

J.Mill says: Can't argue with this one either. But to deviate from the Mrs., I suggest that you go more daring with your drink dates. Don't drink with friends. Drink with a bartender. Drink with Facebook. Drink with a good book. Drinking alone, once considered sad, now (or maybe not yet) is considered brave! One mojito down and I was de-friending half of my facebook friends. I didn't even KNOW these people. Try it. Purge your FB, your closet, your fridge with a glass of Malbec in hand and see how productive you are!

via awesome

5) The Mrs. says: Accessorize with Abandon

J.Mill says: Take only one piece of advice from Suzie Orman and only wear like 3 pieces of jewelry over and over again. Invest in some dime-store plastic pearls and wear them 'til the cows come home and crush'em. (If your cows are crushing your pearls, learn your lesson and pick your pearls up off of the floor/barn.)

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6) The Mrs. says: Make Marveling Merry (rando acts of kindness)

J.Mill says: I just try not to scowl at the people who play their music too loudly through headphones. Random acts of kindness might be out of reach for me. (J/K... I do nice things)

(That's not me, btw. That's a random child. Get it. Random?)
7) The Mrs. says: Capitalize on Conviviality

J.Mill says: I don't believe conviviality is a word. Woopsie daisy. It is. It means to have a good ol' time with folks. I suppose I can stand behind that. That, or invite people over and then hide in the bathroom with a 6 pack and some kebobs.

Nom nom.



Untagged photos are via pinterest.com

An Andy Apple A Day

Well well, it's Thursday and no one's heard from me since last week. I'd like to blame Andy Rooney for signing off and leaving 60 Minutes to become the most boring and unnecessarily sensationalized programming on TV (Oprah, should she still be on, would be a good contender).

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Boy, can that man tell it like it is. And aren't we all sad to see him go? We're pretty selfish and possessive of our 92 year old friend here.

Or maybe it's because I've been trying to find a gym all week. It's getting cooler out and, let's be honest, I don't run outside anymore anyway. I need some options to stay fit and a gym can give me a track, a treadmill, an elliptical AND tons of eyes watching me, judging me, spurring me forward to exhaustion.

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Or maybe I could blame is on the passing of Steve Jobs. But that's too recent and, again, being honest, I didn't even know the guy. Steve-o, you gave us Apple, I will have this apple in your memory. I took it with your iPhone and it came out sideways. I'm not sorry. I hope you like it.

All of the above is true (Especially the apple. You will be mine by lunchtime, apple.), but mainly it's because this work week has mowed me over. I might be fighting a sinus cold or something too. Going to bed at 9 PM all hopped up on nyquil/benedryl/vaselined-up-nostrils makes for a glass-eyed-blog-free adult.

No advice here today except, maybe, that vaseline is the best invention (note to self: do post on the many uses of petroleum jelly) and that green apples are good with any kind of cheese (cheddar, brie, gouda, boursin...) and that even running just a mile (I say "just" but it is kinda a struggle for me) can make you feel better about all the cheese you eat with your green apple before going to bed on a stomach full of cheese and apple acid.

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Beverage pairings for this post: Wine for the cheese, tea for the cold and yucky K-cup coffee from work because I broke my french press this past weekend :(

Men Are Visual, So Use a Visual Aid

I'm reading a book on how men are different from women. S read the man's version of this book and found it helpful, so here's to trying to do well in my relationship. *clink

In the book they reiterate that men are visual.

So I took that to mean, among other things, that if I want ikat pillows in orange and blue for our living room, I should show S what it looks like for those pillows to live with us.

Ergo - my first moodboard in the replica of our living room. A bit choppy, but not too bad for my first one.



Take home advice: Show-and-tell works better than just "tell".

Flip-It Friday, Fatty

Question: How do you turn down free food or treats for someone's birthday/an office party/something thoughtfully homemade just for you when you are on a diet? How do you do it without offending the baker or the person of honor and without looking like a snob?



I'm not fat, but I am trying to fit into a wedding dress that was made quite snugly to begin with and things like The Donut Vault keep coming up. What to do!?

Flip-it Friday: Break Point Bridge Burning

Maybe I should have a post theme for every day of the week. Seems that a theme keeps me accountable to posting. Ho hum.

Happy Friday, ra-ra-ra-readers. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for it. I had a shower this past weekend and my future in-laws in town. I just flew in from LaLa Land and boy are my arms tired. (*crickets)

Anywho, welcome to the weekend. As colder and rainy weather threatens to move some BBQ plans indoors I'd like to ask your advice on more things to cut this week: your losses. Yes, those points are truly unrelated, but dress code to my Friday Head-party is logic-optional.

When do you cut your losses with a friend or job? How much are you willing to let go before you snap and walk away from the gamble of it working out? How many months or years of heartache? In my past relationships, I have had a tendency to let bridges burn to the bitter end rather than packing up at the first snift of smoke. I like to think I'm smarter now. How about you? What is your relationship breaking point?