Pollen Eyes: Foolish Hopeful Wants to Go Home

Hi.

Through the wall I can hear Seth talk on the phone to someone who may move to Austin. The restaurants, weather, dogs, outdoors, music. All wonderful.

What do you do for work? I get to work for my company back in Chicago, but unfortunately Jenny hasn't found work yet. Its a tough, saturated market for her skill set. You're in HTM, right? Oh there's tons of visitor traffic and hotels here. You should be fine.  

Do you own your home? We did in Chicago. We sold it to move here. We are renting right now because we don't know where we want to be. We thought living in an apartment building would help us make friends too. 

What's the air quality in terms of allergies? I don't have allergies, but Jenny has had a bad time with them. I think they're worse than Chicago. Oh and the bugs are bad. Jenny sorta attracts them. I don't usually have a problem with mosquitos. 

Is is really, really unbearably hot? I love the heat! I am so glad to not have to wear a winter coat again. Jenny sunburns easily and gets heat rash with anything over 90*, but I don't have that problem. 

And I'm on the other side of the door. Choking down pitiful tears. Feeling so sorry for myself as someone chalk-outlines my pain and firmly excludes himself from it.

I have the benefit (is it, though?) of idly riding along on Seth's income until the right (any) job comes along. And in that wheel-spinning waiting game I am shrinking. I am undoing. I hear each itemized loss be listed: my beautiful home, my important (it was! I think!) job, my proximity to the known.

But I've been given a do-over! A fresh set of monopoly money and a new shiny shoe from which to launch my real estate career! C'mon railroads!

All I have to do in that time is decide who I want to be and then spend 4 months (so far) trying to be that. Then, when (now) it doesn't work, decide that I would want to be a receptionist or other professional warm body, or for Christ's sake a volunteer only to find that I am one of 100 people vying for said free labor and there is someone with 15 years of volunteering experience and I'll be put in the maybe-next-time pile. Still waiting for next time over here!

I have a 15-month lease to get my shit figured out so we can repurchase a home and I can get back to being the adult I was so proud of from 2011-2014.

Until then it's sad blogging or therapy.

With all the guests I'm having to endure (sorry, but I really am having a hard time with all the people... it's a bad time for 20 questions about how my job search is going. Short answer: shitty.) I chose blogging. Talking to a stranger for money sounds a lot like networking and I have to do more of that than I like as it is.

In Which I Say To Self, "That Sounds Hard"

I wrote an advice blogs for years and am JUST NOW realizing how annoying that is.

I had caffeine with a friend and alcohol with another friend. I had lots of revelations about how much I just can't know anyone else's struggle. Its impossible to walk in their shoes, as one said. Who cares what my opinions are on other people's lives. Statement, not question.

I've been wrong about a lot, and I've published most of it here to really rub the salt in. I've given up whatever "faith" used to be to me and pretty much take guidance from gut feelings and Yogi tea tags.

"By honoring your words, you are honored."
"If you don't love where you come from, you can't love where you're going."
"We are here to love each other, serve each other and uplift each other."
"Socialize with compassion, kindness and grace."

image via

Love! Compassion! St. John's Wort steeped for 5 minutes!

On what I can advise (myself) is how to just be with your feelings. Let them out when they need to be out. Practice self care. Practice listening. Forgive people when they try to tell you to put your feelings away and just "embrace it" already. YogiTeaJesus knows I need some forgiveness for that, too.

In this advice about getting through mundane cocktail parties, we're asked to just level with people instead of trying to identify with them. "That sounds hard," is always the best response to hearing about someone's career. It helps them feel heard. Important. Sympathy.

Same goes for moving, divorce, unemployment, depression, loss, overwhelming wins, guilt, backhanded compliments and just "venting".

"That sounds hard."
"Yeah, it is."

How to Make Terrible Things Benefit You

Punchline: start a blog.

Basically it's the concept behind the phrase, "You may not find this funny now, but you'll laugh about this later."

It's like this:

When we were buying a car over the weekend (more on that tomorrow, I think), we were seeing what we could get for our '98 Honda as a trade-in.

We were hoping for a few grand as the car is under 150k miles and we kept it up pretty well and, well, its still running!

Then the dealers all showed us how we'd never be able to sell it for a couple grand...

because the odometer had "potentially" been rolled back.

Why potentially? It was so obvious that it had because the Carfax report showed it having lower mileage in 2004 than when we bought it in 2011.

Either someone rolled it back generously or the car was driven backwards and Ferris Bueller was totally right!

Fast forward to today and we were potentially driving a 200k mile death wagon. I mean, the car would just slow down sometimes for no reason.

Not to mention it rattled over every little big winter pothole at which the Chicago plows have chipped away.

Not to mention that the check engine light was on for so long that it eventually went off... like when you're telling a story in a crowded room, everyone sips their drink and looks away, so you eventually stop the futile story mid-sentence.

So the questions that we're all asking can be answered the same way.

Why did we think we were getting any money for this car?
Why didn't we run a Carfax ourselves? (The dealers told us that every yahoo buyer runs a Carfax*)
Why didn't we just ask someone to fit it for a pair of cement tires?
Why were we still driving the Honda death-ccord?
And why didn't we get so mad at the prospect of this car being a total waste of money?

Because it would make a great story for the blog!

And twitter.
One of my favorite tweets from the whole ordeal was when the dealer told us that it would cost them more to take the car to auction than it was worth. Basically, they wanted us to pay them extra just to take the Murder Accord off of our hands.


*Learned our lesson

Thoughtful Thursday: Busy

Source: substanceoverstuff.com via J on Pinterest

What are we all always doing that keeps us so busy? I don't have any children. I don't work long hours. I only work one job. My commute is not over an hour each way. I don't stay out late much anymore. I don't belong to a long list of clubs and activities. I don't volunteer regularly anymore. I don't blog every day. I'm not into crafting or DIYing.

And this isn't a realization. This isn't a confession.

I am glad that I don't keep myself so busy.

I am busy. Some days are crazy. But I don't design my life to be busy. I am not obsessed with having it all. I don't plan to start a business or travel to every continent or be a working mother of 4 who hosts themed cocktail parties with coordinated cocktail napkins.

Not that any of that is bad. Its good, as long as is brings you joy.

Joy comes from quiet places for me.

I can find it in cooking a meal over an hour's time. In playing guessing games with S ("Guess which two countries don't sell Coco-Cola?"). In taking a bath. In taking the dog out on a medium length walk at 6:30 AM (Shhh. Don't tell S.). In laughing at the stupidest things with my family.

When did "busy" universally become "happy"? Is "busy" considered the opposite of "lazy"?

Are you happiest with a full schedule? A half full one? An empty one?

Flip-It Friday: How Do You Fill Your Life

The early part of my marriage was rocky.

Shoot, I've only been married a few days over a year, so I mean to say that the early, EARLY part was a bit rocky. We had some adjustment issues. I'm sure that's normal and if it's not, I hope it's comforting to the few of you out there who do have adjustment periods that need validation and fleshing out. You are not alone!

So while the beginning was rocky, I thought of the worst case scenario. You might think this is masochistic, but it's a really calming anxiety-relief technique. You ask yourself, "So what if the most horrible thing happens, so what?" And it helps you get some perspective.

So I was asking myself, "So what if marriage is ugly and lonely and *gasp* not a fairy tale." I didn't think I was living an illusion, but I suppose I was.

I answered myself with, "I supposed I'll need a hobby to pour myself into if this marriage thing is not fulfilling."

Some of you are shocked or appalled. I get it. It's not what you hear all the time. But again, I would love to be able to relate to just one person and help them out, so alas, I am honest.

So I told myself that if marriage was never going to "click" and we weren't going to have a fairy tale, I'd better get something in my life that gives me purpose and fulfillment. We aren't planning on having kids (at least not anytime soon), I am growing in my job but it's not a 24/7 distraction, and I have some hobbies (bloggin!) but they also don't take up my entire life.

I started brainstorming how I could fill my life. Reading, clubs, book clubs (all sound like the same thing, but arent!), new friends, adventurous cooking, starting that novel only to put it in a drawer and have someone make a fortune off of it after I die... etc.

So I want to ask you to be frank with me (Hi, Frank. Nice to meet you... haha... oh me!). Do you have "ways you spend your life" or a plan of how to "fill your life" if your job/spouse/kids/etc do not? What if you're not married but want to be? What if you are in a job that is furthest from your dream? What dangling carrot do you have in your sights? Are you employing a fill-my-life mechanism right now?

(Sidenote: My marriage is much more fulfilling now. We grew tremendously in the beginning and earn every one of our stretch marks through growing pains! It was an uncomfortable time, but we are glad and better for it. Mr. S is so understanding to let me air our past and present on this blog. He's so patient! I thank him for that.)