In Which I Say To Self, "That Sounds Hard"

I wrote an advice blogs for years and am JUST NOW realizing how annoying that is.

I had caffeine with a friend and alcohol with another friend. I had lots of revelations about how much I just can't know anyone else's struggle. Its impossible to walk in their shoes, as one said. Who cares what my opinions are on other people's lives. Statement, not question.

I've been wrong about a lot, and I've published most of it here to really rub the salt in. I've given up whatever "faith" used to be to me and pretty much take guidance from gut feelings and Yogi tea tags.

"By honoring your words, you are honored."
"If you don't love where you come from, you can't love where you're going."
"We are here to love each other, serve each other and uplift each other."
"Socialize with compassion, kindness and grace."

image via

Love! Compassion! St. John's Wort steeped for 5 minutes!

On what I can advise (myself) is how to just be with your feelings. Let them out when they need to be out. Practice self care. Practice listening. Forgive people when they try to tell you to put your feelings away and just "embrace it" already. YogiTeaJesus knows I need some forgiveness for that, too.

In this advice about getting through mundane cocktail parties, we're asked to just level with people instead of trying to identify with them. "That sounds hard," is always the best response to hearing about someone's career. It helps them feel heard. Important. Sympathy.

Same goes for moving, divorce, unemployment, depression, loss, overwhelming wins, guilt, backhanded compliments and just "venting".

"That sounds hard."
"Yeah, it is."

On Dasher, On Dancer, On Disappointment!

Where to begin?

In the past several weeks I've experienced HIGH levels of disappointment. These holidays have been particularly odd/sad and sometimes it's out of people's control.

But when it's NOT and people are disappointing, I have gotten furious. I can only give you one example because I can't guarantee I won't alienate people if I disclosed my other disappointments. Here goes.

There's a coworker who didn't have a place to go on Christmas, or so I thought. So I invited her and her boyfriend over for Christmas brunch and tried to make a party out of it. She and her boyfriend were the only committed guests, and I assumed that almost no one else would be able to make it on account of the day. I just wanted to do something nice and also have a reason to get festive on the actual day of Christmas. The Mr. and I have put up NO decorations, we didn't go crazy on gifts, our only sign of the season are the Christmas cards on our mantel* and the snow on the lawn.

I made two kinds of quiche, one vegetarian because she is, and some cinnamon rolls. We planned to open the bottle of champagne we got from our realtor when we bought the house. It was going to be a god damn celebration!

So when this girl texted me after she was over an hour late that she wasn't coming... I just... I just. (look at the cards, aren't they festive!)

And imagine this scenario 3x over.

That's how I feel. Disappointed. Angry. Let down. Not important. Like I am willing to walk over the center line to meet them at the 70/30, but they won't even go past the 10! And I'm not going to all these lengths because I like being over committed or someone's savior. I get wrapped up in what I think is a mutual understanding, but I get stuck holding the bill. ALL THE ADULTS IN THE ROOM, RAISE YOUR HANDS. YOU OWE ME 50% PLUS TAX AND TIP! Or worse, you owe me weeks of time that I can't get back for shouldering the burden for the both of us.

All of these disappointments have cost me time, money, energy and social interaction. We all know that social interaction is the priciest of currencies to me. I have a limited amount of socializing I can do before I crack.

And worst of all, when these people let me down, I have to let people I love down. When you commit to me, I make it known and set everyone's expectations of that commitment. The Mr. even started laying into these flaky folks and I had to stop him. It hurt me too much to hear him be disappointed too.

So to those I've disappointed this season, I don't think I'm passing the buck when I say, "it probably wasn't my fault."

And to those that have disappointed me this season, next time let's commit to not committing.




*Thanks to everyone who sent cards or other packages in the mail. Having those wonderful reminders to open these past few weeks are the only things that kept me from losing it. 

FIF: Payday Loans

Friends, I'm interjecting some realness into the giftiness this week. I want to talk about payday loans.

The short of it: Thems be bad.

The medium of it: listen to/read any of these NPR stories.

The long of it: We ended up paying off someone's payday loans to get them out of a heap of trouble and I really wish they would have come to us before they got the high-interest loans. I mean, I really wish they weren't in trouble at all. I really wish they weren't on mental/physical/emotional hard times. I'm glad they came to us before we had to go to their funeral. But I'm pissed that the payday loan place is profiting. I'm pissed that it even came to this.

In fairness, our friend has said they'll pay us back. It's supposed to be a swap of interest-hungry loan for interest-free loan. But I'm muy skeptical. Money destroys families and friendships with things go bad. We don't want to lose friendship and money.

My PSA to friends and family: PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME BEFORE YOU GET A PAYDAY LOAN.

So for the Flip-It Friday part: 
Would you ever take a payday loan? 
Have you? 
HAVE I SCARED YOU AWAY FROM THEM YET?!

[Steps down from soapbox. Exits stage right. Makes a ham sandwich.]

In The Darkness, Anything Could Happen

This post is about a social/political issue. If you want to skip it, just listen to the song and move on.

Three people in my life have shared with me that they've had at least one abortion in their life. 

[Pause]

And those are just the ones who have shared that information. 

A high school friend shared this blog post on Facebook. I encourage you to read it. The rest of this post will seem like painful wax poetic if you don't (although, it still might... but I'm taking back my blog!).

I, too, have gone through an evolution on this subject of abortion. Through second-hand experience and gut feeling. I've shamefully, ignorantly,  had visceral hate towards both sides of the argument in my life. 

But I can say that from the people I've known ... that this isn't a straight line issue. My friends were all different (in location, age, socioeconomic status, spirituality, etc.), but they all had emotional trauma leading up to an abortion. They've all not been loved well. They aren't accepted and they don't accept themselves. There's always discouragement. 

My friend's histories are complex and the reasons may vary, but there is one consistent thing missing: love. Or if you're not into that, at least compassion.

As long as this issue is too taboo for the reasonable and too easy a joust for the extreme, nothing will be brought to light to address the wellness of its victims. 

And in the darkness, anything could happen. 

Consumerism

Consumerism is a social and economic order that encourages the purchase of goods and services in ever-greater amounts.

I wrote a long tirade about consumerism and how I see it in my life and those around me (and through the internet), but I deleted it. Because I like brevity. Just watch this video:

One of my guilty habits is that I like disposable razors. I found that a reusable razor would get grimy faster and is harder to clean (you know, with those little groves and grippers for your hands?), so I switched to disposable. I'm going to vow to find a reusable, quality razor and stop buying disposable.