Don't Eat The Green Ones

GUYS. Guys. guys.

Don't eat the green potatoes. I know. I know. You probably already knew they were full of solanine.

via

Welp, I didn't and I spent half of yesterday weak in the knees/head/stomach. Even broke down and called the poison control hotline after I read that people DIE from that stuff. Gag.

Went to bed empty and with a heating pad on high to try and control the shivers. But I learnt my lesson, folks. I learnt it good.

That's what I get for trying to clean out the pantry before we head into holiday gluttony. At least I dropped those 2 lbs I was hoping to lose before turkey time.

PSA of the day brought to you by "One weird tip to lose belly fat? Food poison yourself!".

Thoughful Thursday: Sassy is a Nice Way to Put It

Ever want to see "Mean Girls" as a horror movie?

Jump inside my head, ya'll. 

Just kidding, 

"You Can't Sit With Us!"

Yesterday I cut out coffee, carbs and alcohol until the Mr. poured me a glass of wine to save his own life. I'm detoxing cold turkey but have relapsed and am still not feeling like my old self. Unless my old self felt old and cranky and like crying for no reason. 

Even after going to bed at 8:30 last night I woke up feeling tired, sore and really really, shall we say, sassy. Are my eyes even open? Can I even see this screen right now?

Last night we watched House Hunters over steamed fish and all I could do was yell gay jokes at the TV.

"I'll tell YOU why he's so concerned about the orientation of the backyard!"

"Carpet, smarpet. Thou DOST protest too much." 

"She's a beard and you're a 'mo. Lesbi-honest, you're building a guest house because you aren't sharing the master!"

"Gavin the flight attendant brought along his sassy black girlfriend: not because Gavin doesn't have a boyfriend, but because Gavin doesn't love Gavin for who Gavin is."**

SweetJesusI'mAMonster.

---

*This post is for Maddy, who understands that watching anger-inducing House Hunters while in a 'deodorant-aisle' state was all "my bad". 

*I'm sorry, Dad. 

**Watch this one, people. It's in Chicago and even the Realtor is all like, "Are you kidding me? I didn't sign up for this. I'm out."

Tipsy Tuesday: Things I've Learned in the Past Week

This lip stain actually looks good and stays put for hours.

via Sephora

Giardiniera or muffaletta mix is tasty in meatloaf.

Via google images

I haven't learned yet, but I hope to find out what kind of dog(s) Roobabe is by using a DNA test. 

via Amazon

So, whatever. It's a bit trivial, but we all need some dependability when it comes to our looks, dinners and answering the question "OH! What kind is SHE!?"

What have you guys learned? Anyone else feel like they need a break or a change? I'm feeling burned out, regardless of the amount of vacation/weekending/sleeping-in I do. Anyone have any tips for un-burning out?

Stephen Fry Hates Florida, Q & A

I saw this quiz on a girl's blog. Since this is "Answer The Unasked" I'm going to answer questions that weren't asked of me.

The blogger of origin is an entertaining writer but we have 0% in common:

She's single and always minglin'; I am married and always looking for ways to do less socially.
She's lite beer and fireball shots; I'm craft beer and go to bed before 10 (fireball shots must happen after 10, because I don't see them).
She's from Florida; I'm a yankee who thinks Florida is a swamp-dungeon-o-trailer-doom.

Recognize this awesome dude from Top Gear? He toured America and speaks my mind, people! The whole series is on Netflix! Go watch instead of reading this boring post!

So some of these either/or questions will be lost on me.  Let's see how out of touch I am!


iPhone or Droid: I have an iPhone but am intrigued by the Windows phone. My Mr. is super techy and thinks the iPhone is on it's way out. I think he may be right. But I'm legally required to stand beside him in his defection.

NSYNC or Backstreet Boys: Man, lady, guitar, bass, cello... triangle. That's music. A bunch of boys with headsets and no instruments? That's - at best - a talent show.

Being forced to delete Facebook or being forced to delete Twitter: Facebook. If my Grandmother wasn't on FB and I needed it for work, it'd be gone. I could live without both, however.

Fireball or Miller Lite: Nothing lower on the menu than a Red Stripe. It's like a right of passage. Call me pretentious, but I think you grow up, get a 401k, upwardlly change jobs a few times and write off domestic beer that indicates calorie/color/body with the letter L-I-T-E. Bing, bang, boom.

Full House or Family Matters: Family Matters. Its the least of the two evils as I can't handle looking at Danny Tanner now that I've seen his stand-up and if I hear "how rude" one more time...

Dumbledore or Gandalf: Dumbledore 1.0., because Richard Harris is the sh!t.

Dying Easter eggs or Carving pumpkins: I did both of these handicraps a few years ago for the last time. I'm an all-season Grinch when it comes to crafting. I'll gladly drink spiked cider at your fall carving party or a mimosa at your egg party and fumble my way through poking holes in everything. Because, tis the season.

NFL or NCAAF: NPR*

A hangover forever or sobriety forever: The latter. I actually think about this all the time.

January or July: July, because I live Canada-adjacent and January is just the beginning of seasonal depression and 'the-city-doesn't-have-enough-money-in-the-budget-to-properly-plow-the-roads-so-go-get-yourself-some-four-wheel-drive, Chicago'!

Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus: I can't hear you through this foam finger.

Shark Week or Fashion Week: Both. Yay! Something I don't hate! Although I don't follow either of them, so maybe that's why I like them.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Saved by the Bell: Fresh Prince. Geeze. Maybe my choice of 90's TV shows is indicative of me listening to too much NPR.**

Britney or Christina: Christina. I think she got her life back on track quicker and that shows maturity. I also thought she was way more talented. But no, I'd never buy either of their music.

Burrito or Burrito Bowl: Bowl. Cause forks are for people who care about the shirt they're wearing.

Reading blogs on your phone or reading blogs on your computer:  Computer.

Angelina or Jennifer: Team Everyone Get a Grip On Their Own Lives And Butt Out Already.

Doug Funny or The Rugrats: Thank God I didn't have cable growing up.

An open mouth chewer or a heavy breather: I've been told I'm the latter, so I chose that. I've tried to will people to chew with their mouths closed before by staring at them without blinking. It just makes it worse because they start talking with their mouths full to ask me why I'm staring.


Now you!

--
*I'm an asshole. I see this now.
** Have you heard of their program called Code Switch? It's all about race in America. Maybe my White Guilt is picking the programming.

Andersonville

via

The Mr. and I are trying to make a point to go out to eat more. Rather, to date more. I usually like cooking at home but have not found joy in it lately. We also get so bogged down in the usual evening routine (walk dog, feed animals, walk dog, make dinner, work, watch the news, walk dog, clean up dishes/floors/laundry, bed) that we sorta don't connect with each other. 

So last night, I returned to Andersonville with said Mr. 

I was there on Tuesday buying art (see Instagram feed) and pastries. I thought it was so cute and we'd both been interested in returning to that fun little neighborhood (some say it's Uptown, some say it's Andersonville) ever since we attended a going away party at Hopleaf*. 

So we did the trek in afternoon traffic to Big Jones. I had the shrimp and grits and Mr. had the salmon. I usually don't go for shrimp because of the "vein", but trusted this place to clean them properly. They did and I had a great, cheesy dinner. We both enjoyed cocktails. I'd recommend the Mr.'s drink to anyone. It had chamomile infused gin in it! (Not on the online menu.) 

We were the sole patrons on their outdoor patio until another couple, celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, joined us. They were given complimentary glasses of champagne but chose to give them to us as they weren't drinkers. So... cheers!

Next date night will be at Atlas.

--
*I just now see that they have a 'no-kids' policy. Must remember that one for the next time I want to guarantee a baby-free date!

I may need a new Doppelganger as I Think I'm Outgrowing her (read: I look old, she doesn't).

I could use a good chick-flick today.

I spend yesterday as a hunchback. My neck kept seizing up as if to punish me for new pillows, sleeping on my stomach.

I watched Secret Millionaire last night and cried over it and said neck.

This morning I tried to walk the dog while holding a cup of yogurt. I never eat before leaving the house on weekdays, but this morning I needed to swallow some NSAIDs for, you guessed it, said neck. I cannot take ibuprofen on an empty stomach because the walls of mine bleed over minor medicinal passage. Yogurt was the troll-toll you might say. Upon opening the gate, seeing freedom, the end of the leash and the shaky cup-n-spoon I, said cup, said leash, said neck and unsaid ground was covered in troll-toll and swears.

And tears.

Today has been a long week, yes?

Netflix, bring me something long and sweet. Bring me something sad to give me reason to cry. And bring me a new yogurt!

Consumerism

Consumerism is a social and economic order that encourages the purchase of goods and services in ever-greater amounts.

I wrote a long tirade about consumerism and how I see it in my life and those around me (and through the internet), but I deleted it. Because I like brevity. Just watch this video:

One of my guilty habits is that I like disposable razors. I found that a reusable razor would get grimy faster and is harder to clean (you know, with those little groves and grippers for your hands?), so I switched to disposable. I'm going to vow to find a reusable, quality razor and stop buying disposable.

Just because it's $40 doesn't mean you need it.

Click below to the jump to see what I had to talk the Mr. off a ledge from buying.

The item elicits such reviews as:

"Take a second to watch the video above, then recoil in horror, then read our review."

"Oh, look what it says on the box: "Winner of the Most Likely To Maintain Its Shape Through Your Entire Digestive Tract Award."

 "As Can't Be Unseen on TV!"

Salespeople of the World, Stop Following Me Around Bed Bath and Beyond

Overall, I don't jive with people in sales. Some of my good friends have sales jobs and other good friends have the knack for sales. And I love these people. I just don't like whatever gene makes someone sales-y.

Allow me to explain.

Last night I got up the courage to go to dinner with friends. Anymore I find myself forcing it to just go out in public. I'm just going through a hermit phase/lifetime.

I knew that this dinner with friends was at a healthy restaurant and that there would be a little presentation about how some of the girls in attendance were doing a healthy cleanse with a few key products.*

I put that aside when I tromped out in the rain to a clustered part of the city for dinner. When I walked into the restaurant I found that the rain** had deterred many of the other ladies so I was front-and-center for a no-formal-pressure-but-really-there's-social-pressure presentation on the healthy products. Think Mary Kay but for fiber chews and protein powder.

I did my best not to grimace from the gross vegan food*** and the overly obvious sales discussion as the nice girl who was presenting was right in front of me and looking into my eyes often. I alternated between being mad at her for pretending to know me**** and pitying her for having to win over our small crowd.

You know how you sometimes duck into a Bed Bath and Beyond in an outside mall just to escape the summer heat or see what Yankee Candle is on sale but it's their policy that at least 3 sales people have to ask you if you need any help by the time you make it past the sheet section and by that time you are worried that someone thinks your stealing milk duds and who buys milk duds at BB&B, let alone steals them and you get so flustered you walk out...

What was I saying?

I hate sales people because I feel pressured and that assumptions are being made about me. I don't like feeling like I'm being sold anything. I want to make my own decisions at my own pace and I want to be informed about the products through my own research, not just take someone's word who's seeking commission.

But I did have a free, vegan chocolate protein shake this morning and it wasn't half bad.


* Writing on the gee-dee wall.
** And possibly the sales presentation
*** I usually like this kinda stuff, but I didn't like this place.
**** Girl, I watch more documentaries on how food is produced in our nation than you've got time for and have already cut waaaaay back on diary, red meat, meat at all and know how to bake gluten-free.

Spring Clean Week - Cleaning Up Your Diet

I asked what our live-in cousin wanted for dinner last night after a long weekend of house/dog sitting (that girl  handled two jobs, two cats, and a dog last weekend and everyone lived!... bravo!) and she said she was craving comfort foods. Fried chicken, greens, corn bread, macaroni and cheese, etc.

I said I could cook about half of that on a whim.

We sent S out to get a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store (I'm not much for fried chicken) and I made some Jiffy corn bread muffins, creamed spinach, roasted potatoes, macaroni and cheese (from a box). It was so good.

But after that meal and a whole weekend of eating out in West Lafayette/Lafayette, I am ready to get back on track.

This spring I am trying to limit meat and dairy in my diet. I have noticed that my digestive system is happier when I take those things in moderation.

I used to have a yogurt every morning and a dinner made with some sort of cheese, cream, meat and/or butter.

Now I've had apples and bananas for breakfast (with peanut butter if I need a few more calories) and a primarily vegan/vegetarian dinner. Lunch is often leftovers from dinner the night before.

I've had chicken since deciding to cut back on meat and I use butter in cooking to add a layer of flavor that I just don't get from oil, but I'm mostly meat/dairy free for now.

I do miss cheese though.

Source: joannagoddard.blogspot.com viaChristine on Pinterest

Have you ever done a cleanse? (Admittedly, mine is not a true cleanse, just some mindful eating.) Did you get sick off of it? I've heard that if you change your diet too drastically, you can weaken your immune system.

Gift Guide: Stocking Stuffers

Well under $25 so you can get a lot of things to stuff in that sock-ing.

First you need a stocking:

Source: etsy.com via J on Pinterest

Stuff it with this:

Source: sephora.com via J on Pinterest

S

and these:

Source: bethproudfoot.blogspot.com via Jane on Pinterest

and for even warmer hands on the go, these:

Source: starbucks.com via Kim on Pinterest

Of course there's a sasquatch:

Source: stitchedcards.com via Jeni on Pinterest

and some survival items:

Source: larabar.com via J on Pinterest

DIY something like this:

Source: elleandblair.com via Debbie on Pinterest

and class it all up with this:

Source: anthropologie.com via J on Pinterest

and put one of these in the end... as a snack or a street weapon!

Source: harryanddavid.com via J on Pinterest

Happy Merry, Peeps. What do you want for the holidays?

Gift Guide: Foodie Gifts

My site broke and that's why I haven't been blogging.

Psych. J/K. I'm just not that into you.

But, like picking off a scab, I can't help but indulge in some self-mutilation and continue on with this gift guide.

Onto the foodie portion!

Bing (curly fry cutter!)

Source: fab.com via J on Pinterest

Bang (namesake ice cream)

Source: jenis.com via J on Pinterest

Boom (coffee accouterments)

Source: fab.com via J on Pinterest

Done. (DIY cheese)

Source: etsy.com via J on Pinterest

Walk lots, buy local, love dogs

 

The Hardest Part is Unwrapping the Rolos

My sister gave me this idea and has used it at many of her parties. They are so simple and so satisfying for a sweet and salty combo. And just like "Combos" there is a pretzel involved!

Smoosh 'em down when their warm. Easy peasy.

Not a Dinner

**Forgot to add the cartoon

When I first saw this pin on Pinterest I thought "Hmm, maybe this would make a good dip for my housewarming party. I wonder what's in it and what you dip it with?"

Turns out its full of death and you dip into it with your bare, fat-shoveling hands.

No one asked me, but if they did, I would tell you that this is not a dinner:

1 lb. hamburger
1 pkg. taco seasoning
8 oz. sour cream
1 pkg. crescent rolls (8)
1 can tomato sauce
1 can diced tomatoes (optional)
1 c. shredded cheese
Dorito chips

via. 

Sorry, Two Maids a Milking. I hope you get some pageviews from my hatin'.

Lemme break it down for you:

1 lb. hamburger - fatty meat

1 pkg. taco seasoning - full-o-sodium
8 oz. sour cream - fatty dairy
1 pkg. crescent rolls (8) - these are not a real food (bleached flour, oils, preservatives)
1 can tomato sauce - tomatoes in cans = BPA?
1 can diced tomatoes (optional)
1 c. shredded cheese - wood cheese
Dorito chips - c'mon

All of these ingredients are "sometimes foods". All of these ingredients can be forgiven when put with other healthy foods like:

lettuce

ground lean meat

beans

whole grains

fresh tomatoes

ANYTHING GREEN :)

I know that people are over-sensitive about food these days. We are, as a nation, on both a path to obesity and a path to freaking out about everyone being obese. I know that if you look at any one food closely you can probably conclude that it will kill you - and quickly!

**

Source: nataliedee.com via J on Pinterest

But don't these pins concern you?

When did crescent rolls become the foundation of so many foods? Is it the wonderful marketing of the Pillsbury people?

When did chips become a topping? 

When did cooking for the kids (they "love" this recipe - big surprise!) become catering to them? (I don't have kids, feel free to lay into me on that one.)

What are your "sometimes foods"?

Tipsy Tuesday: Waiting for Home Delivery

Waiting for something to be delivered can be a pain. It's as convenient as waiting for the cable guy or a plumber. They give you a 4 hour window and then show up 20 minutes after the 4 hour window closes. OR if you are there for the majority of the time, they will show up during the 5 minutes you were in the shower or out back or, in my case, taking a jog around the block. 

Murphy wrote a loophole-less law, right there. 

So I've compiled a list of things to do at home while you are imprisoned by in-home delivery/service. 

1. Dust the baseboards. If you have pets, this is something that should be done regularly.
2. Prepare and cook an elaborate meal for dinner (something like this).
3. Do some laundry.
4. Scold the pets for things they probably do every day but you aren't around to see them do it. (Pet shaming, anyone?)
5. Hand mop the bedroom floor in preparation for placement of a fancy-schmancy rug.
6. Do not attempt to place the rug yourself because it's a 9x12 rug wooly beast that will crush you.
7. Run a short run. But run hard to compensate for your limited time. Then come home and do your very first pushup... ever.
8. Feel proud of yourself. And then ashamed that it was your first pushup ever. #ProudAshamed
9. Dance around to T.I. Wonder if he's still in prison. Wonder if the neighbors can see you dancing around to T.I. Move further from the windows.
10. Shower a quick shower for fear that you'll miss the delivery guy. 
11. Continually look out of the peephole without prompt. 

Through the peephole.

A preview of our bedroom. iPhone photos don't do the blue justice!

Ok, ok. This is just a list of what I've done today. Oh, and I worked a bit too. 

Beverage pairing: Water after the run/dance party. Wine with the braised pork.

Song Suggestion: What You Know About That by T.I.

Green Smoothie

I've never made a spinach smoothie before. The strongest flavors were that of fruit, but it was a bit more earthy from the spinach. Good earthy, though. 

This last picture shows the smoothie looking rather pink from the strawberries. I thought this was weird as spinach has a lot of chlorophyll. As I drank the mixture, though, it got greener and greener. I think the pigment from the greens just needed a chance to wash out the other colors!

Ingredients


Spinach- 1 cup, packed
Strawberries- 1/2 cup
Blueberries- 1/4 cup
Banana- half
Ice- 1/2 cup
Greek yogurt- 1/4 cup
Almond milk- (not pictured) 1/2 cup
Mint- 4 leaves

Directions
Blend

Recycling Brigades!

Mr. S said we need to get rid of the pile of corks we've saved. (Why do we save corks anyway, people?)

I saw this site and my eyes lit up when I saw that you can recycle corks here!

and flip flops
and those single-cup coffee pods (they just need these for K-Cups now!)
and toothpaste tubes, toothbrushes, floss and more!

How freaking neat!

Keratin Hair: What it looks like after I wash it

On day 4 I washed and conditioned my hair with Coppola Keratin treatment shampoo (warning: more expensive than Suave!). Then I combed it with a wide tooth comb and let it air dry most of the way. I used a round brush to dry the rest of the way (this step took less than 10 minutes). I used no product.

And I had breakfast on the balcony before it got too hot.

Blueberry oatmeal smoothie and a book loaned from my grammy.