Drunk Peaches and Low Self Esteem

Amaretto Peach Bread

Basically a muffin recipe that I totally jacked up and made in a loaf pan. Following recipes is for losers! J/k if you like recipes. I just happen to not. 

Peaches from the farmer's market, simmered with water, amaretto liquor, brown sugar and cinnamon. 

1/2 of the peaches in the batter, 1/2 on top.

This peach muffin recipe with coconut/almond milk and a tablespoon of vinegar in place of sour cream. And less sugar. And no nuts. 

'Twas Ok. I can see what I'd like to change next time. I'd also like to try to make it completely vegan. 

Next weekend is my nephew's 2nd birthday party. My mom called me yesterday to organize extra family time while they're in town and God-bless-it, I actually answered the phone. I didn't feel like it. I have been extra weird and moody lately. Not entirely sure what's going on. Every time someone asks me how I'm feeling or if the Mr. asks me "what's wrong" I give one of a few answers:

- I'm fine

- I'm feeling off

- I'm experiencing severe low self esteem and cannot seem to pump myself up enough to do anything. I get the sense that everyone is judging me and then I sweat/swear/drink too much in front of them and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of judgement. I'm also hyper-insecure about my forehead as someone said it was "large" months ago and now I can't help but bring it up in hopes that someone will say "Oh, you have a lovely, normal, elegant forehead that perfectly fits your face and compliments your hairline."

- You're annoying

Naturally this has lead to many fights, crying spells and social avoidance. I'm a big damn baby. 

On the phone with my understanding and relentlessly supportive mom I ended up rehashing a work issue that I thought I had dealt with. Apparently I am really good at repressing, but she is really good at pulling the thread on my sweater of self-lies.

"If you want to destroy my sweater, wo-ah wo-ah woah, pull this thread as I walk away as I walk away-ay"

So I went from being slightly hungover and reclusive to borderline depressed and full-on defeated about yesterday's news. 

So I baked a subversive baked good (recipe, take that!), cried on the toilet (at least you're getting all your private moments out of the way in one instance), plead with the Mr. to get order-in chinese and watched a happy lil murder-story called Fargo for the first time.

I think I want to be Marge for Halloween. 

Source: bbodysnatchers.tumblr.com via Billie on Pinterest

Marge Gunderson: Say, Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?

 Lou: Yah, that's a good one.

Writing Requires Some Degree of Apathy

When I write to a fork in the road, I get the urge to pick one at random or turn right around. Taking  careful thought and filling your choice with reasons, arguments is the hard part. Anyone can take up chance or take up giving up. But to defend yourself!

Once choosing, I either love it or hate it. I'd rather erase the whole page and start fresh or erase nothing and stand behind misplaced comas and vague words. Stubborn, take-my-pen-and-go-home game.

Writing requires some degree of apathy. You have to care enough to keep going, to keep in what's really meant there. And, more importantly, you have to be willing to slash with a machete and a sweaty palm what is common, cumbersome or cliche redundant.

Flip-It Friday: Personal Growth - What are you working on?

We have made it over halfway through the year. How are you doing on your New Years Resolutions? Did you make any?

I resolved to run/walk/hike 5 miles a week. Might seem like that's not a lot, but for me it was like going from 0 to 60. I am not interested in being athletic. Although I'm naturally pretty small, I was getting soft and doughy and needed to make a change.

I debated sharing this because I know that there are tons of people out there who are more fit than me and also those that are less fit. I didn't want to brag and I also didn't want to appear to be bragging over a few measly miles. But I'm nothing if not awkwardly honest, so let's proceed.

This week I reached some new personal bests. They may not seem difficult to anyone else, but I earned every. last. bead. of. sweat.

I ran my fastest 3 miles (in 29 minutes!) and my longest run ever (4 miles!).

And I plan to keep going. I now resolve to run/hike (not walk!) 6 miles a week and consistently go over that. A few weeks ago I did 9 miles in a week and this week I'm going to do 8. I also have upped the weights I use for strength training (using the 15 pounder ones now - take that 8 lb weights!).

progress

So how about you? What did you resolve to do? Did you keep your resolution going? Are you making any new promises to yourself? 

---

So I used to be doughy: 

 Now I'm really cookin':

 Sorry for the bad jokes, but I also made this bread. I found the recipe on Pinterest and it's seriously easy, but did does take some time for the yeast to proof. Make the dough a day before you need the bread so it can rise. My sister asked for the recipe, so here it is! Mine is made with sage from my friend B.Lill's garden and a 3-cheese blend.

And if anyone cares, here's a hair update. My natural curl is coming through. I'm still learning how to do my hair with it's new texture. I do like this style though. Last night I washed it, combed a light mousse through it and let it air dry. I slept on the waves and then took a hot curling iron to a few wayward ones this morning to take some of the bed-head out of it. Really easy.

In a Pickle with a Red Herring

Red Herring: a clue which is intended to be misleading, or distracting from the actual issue.

Its also supposed to be a very fishy, smelly fish. 

So imagine sitting in a brine barrel with a fishy fish. That's how I feel right now, mentally speaking. 

I've been putting the cockles of my heart that house my ambitions into a project at work. As of today I've had to let it be pounded, derived, rendered and squeezed into an ugly box with no air holes or pretty bows. 

My original dream, the mangled meat mess (which, let's be honest, doesn't look good in bows anyway), has been dragged away and in its place I have a fish, the red herring.

Fish is not meat. In the words of Ron Swanson, "Fish meat is practically a vegetable."

We are distracted from  the real issues at hand and forming a solution for a problem we only fabricated out of fish. The chum of all problems. 

How does one handle the stamping out of a dream? The murder of ambition? Proceed with the outline as proposed, send the troops into battle, arm them with, what else, a fish.

via

I lost the battle, but the war is TBD. I'm sure I'll get 'em next time.

No Butts or Filibustering About It!

Source: bit.ly via Mandy on Pinterest

Last night I had book club with some lovely ladies at a swanky wine bar in Logan Square. We discussed Rules of Civility - a great read by most standards.

 The conversation turned to manners and upbringing and some of us agreed that we were interrupters. We will blatantly talk over you to get our point across and straight cut you off.

Now, I know this is rude - I'm one of the offenders! What do we do to stop ourselves from cutting other people off?

We can start by listening. If you are actively listening and not just waiting for them to take a breath so you can butt in, then most likely you'll see that the conversation is organically moving away from your soon-to-be-moot point anyway. Give up your zinger point for the good of the conversation and wait your turn. You might also be taking the spotlight away from a quieter contributor. Don't squeeze people out.

I am terrible at waiting for my turn in conversation. My dad has told me more than once, "Let me finish!" And I always know that I'm in the wrong. Some of us may not have dads telling us to wait. And all of us have friends that are kind enough not to reprimand us for butting in. Let's all do them a favor and pause before we speak to allow others to finish their thoughts. 

[Disclaimer: The woman who brought this up was in no way being a butt-in-ski in our convos. She just brought it up for discussion.]

On the flip-side (which I'm also guilty of, yet on fewer occasions than interrupting), if you are the speaker please don't filibuster the conversation! It is a power-play and unkind to your fellows. You are controlling the conversation by talking through everyone. It shows that you are less confident in your argument and are seeking to wear the others out rather than win them over. No one is listening to you anyway. Say things once and end it with a "know what I mean?" before launching into scenarios and multiple explanations. Be concise. Pause if you have to think of the right words to say, don't keep rambling until you get it right. Less is more here, people.

Do you have any bad habits that you are seeking to correct?

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself in Busy Times

I do nearly all of these. What do you do to take time for yourself and keep your sanity?

Source: thefreedomexperiment.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Tipsy Tuesday: Are You the Sand or the Pearl?

This morning on my CTA commute in to The Loop and back out the other side, I sat next to a woman who shook my world at 7:30 AM.

She said, "Good morning", after I made her move so I could sit down.

To be brutally honest (and brutal only to myself for even thinking the way I do), I often hold my conversational breath and try not to stare when riding this certain train. It brings people from the deep south side of Chicago into the city and runs through The Loop to service some of Chicago's worst neighborhoods on its way to a nearby suburb. (Don't worry, Mom, I get off the train before it hits the bad 'hoods.)

This part of my commute is rarely quiet, full of single moms with too many babies and too few hands, men on cell phones yelling expletives too loudly for the morning hours (as if there's ever a good time to do that publicly), large women taking up 2 seats each and talking at (not to, but at) one another from across the train, and not to mention the headphones that ironically share unwelcomed music-for-one in the form of rap-crap and someone's basement acoustics.

So when this woman greeted me kindly and then went back to reading her book, I was startled and then wary that she might try to talk to me. I like my commutes like I like my sleep - cool, quiet and comfortable (and I'd add clean, but that's not a CTA priority... although I did see someone Cloroxing the turnstiles once!).

The woman went back to reading her book but then muttered in my direction 4 stops later, "Excuse me?" Good gravy, I thought. It starts.

"Do you know what this word means?" She pointed at the page and mispronounced it, stuttering.

A quick panic washed over me. This is every writer's/literary's test. Put your grammar, language and vocabulary skills to test in the real world! Oh glory be, I should get this right. I had to think about it, but was able to come up with the correct pronunciation and defintion quickly enough to appear credible. She said thank you and we shared a weird giggle (I think it was a giggle).

I strutted off of the train as she said, "Have a good day", to me. I squeaked out after a too-long pause, "Thanks, you too". Walking with pride all the way down to the street level, I fished for my phone among the beverage fixings in my purse.

The beverages in my purse (not the water, but you get the idea).

Upon hitting pavement I Googled the word. Whew. I got it right. Mostly right. The women could probably deduce the tone of the word from the text she was reading to get the right connotation.

And then the guilt filled in where the relief subsided. I was so wonderfully proud of myself for getting an SAT word right on a real life test, that I forgot to return her verbal well-wishes for the day until an awkward beat later.

I may have puffed with pride at my book-knowledge, but where would that get me? How often will someone feed me a line about needing to know a word or a definition? And, by comparison, how far will that woman's kindness get her? I may have access to good jobs, have a great education, be a shameful iPhone user - having the world at my literal fingertips. But she, she has everything and then some because she's kind to strangers, doesn't see color or class and is humble enough to ask questions.

The world is her oyster and I'm the sand feeding into the pearl.

Advice: Don't take yourself too seriously...

... and if you're a pop star, make sure to have some Glee kids/Kenny G/Hanson in your music video.



Neither Rebecca Black nor Katy Perry take themselves seriously in this video and it's a HIT :)