Lightening up with some advice for the royal family

Let's get back to laugh, shall we?

This article gave some last minute suggestions for the royal baby, should the Duke-n-Dukest need some inspiration:

1. Prince Charles 2: Electric How Do You Do

2. Pumpkin

3. Prince Walter, The One Who Knocks

4. Princess Buttercup, BOOOOO! BOOOOOO!

5. The Baron Of Mustard, In The Library, With The Wrench

6. Beef Wellington

7. Lady (The Power Of Love)

8. Lord Of Leaping (alt: Lady Of Dancing)

9. Thomas, The Richest Baby Ever

10. Princess Powderpuff Of Sephora

11. Duke 79 UNC 75

12. Prince

13. Pardon Me Princess Fancypants Of The Island Of Aren't You Freakin' Special

14. William Philip Arthur Louis George David Harry Charles Beckham Bono

15. The Clark Of Kent

16. 007: Londoneye

17. His Royal Highness Fonzie Of The Kingdom Of Milwaukee

18. Prince Zoolander

19. The Knot Of Windsor

20. Princess Renesmee

Happy baby to you, Duchess Catherine! And thanks for not giving birth yesterday, on my Mr.'s official birthday. He has some deep respect for you, but its shrouded in layers of contempt for British tradition and heavy Yankee media coverage. He was pretty pissed when you hadn't had it by Sunday and was worried he'd have to share his day with your gilded spawn. And as an only child, he's never had to share anything in his life :)

Love to all the birthday babies!

From last year.

Update from "Coo-coo Clock"

Remember this post? It was only 2 posts ago.

Well I've calmed the F down alright and here's why:

In short, the “baby panic”—which has by no means abated since it hit me personally—is based largely on questionable data. We’ve rearranged our lives, worried endlessly, and forgone countless career opportunities based on a few statistics about women who resided in thatched-roof huts and never saw a lightbulb. In Dunson’s study of modern women, the difference in pregnancy rates at age 28 versus 37 is only about 4 percentage points. Fertility does decrease with age, but the decline is not steep enough to keep the vast majority of women in their late 30s from having a child. And that, after all, is the whole point. -  JEAN TWENGE, The Atlantic

Emphasis mine.

The Baby Bird That Springs From The Biological 'Coo-Coo' Clock

"Coo", get it? As in baby noises. Or as in crazy noises.

Yesterday I worked from home. Turned on the tube between laundry and Outlook exercises to watch the Katie Couric show. She was talking about infertility.

Blah blah blah stuff about babies and women wanting to be moms and stuff that is totally foreign to me. Cut to me sitting on the edge of the couch, clean pile of tees and unread emails forlorn, mouth agape and eyes glued.



Wha wha, hol' up. 28?!

Come with me on this head journey for a minute:

You're telling me that a 27 year old girl who doesn't want kids, but she doesn't know the future and what if this "biological clock" thing is true and what if hers rings at 45 and she's 3 years into early onset menopause and she's ruined and filled with regret for all eternity ... should optimally have her mind made up by NEXT YEAR?!

breathe into a bag. gasp. sigh. eye roll. 

Fug. Dat.*

The biological clock, alone, is not a good reason to have kids.

Just because you like someone's vacation photos of beaches, beers and boat ventures doesn't mean that traveling to Central America wasn't filled with sun burns, severe language barriers and slight dysentery. Everything looks great through a filter. Careful editing. Hindsight.

Parenthood is forever. It's not glamorous. It's not a status symbol. Or a badge of honor**. Or an identity***.

I'm not anti-parenting or anti-baby for anyone who wants that AND will put in a modest effort.

I'm anti-everyone-must-parent-because-uterus-that's-why.

My heart goes out to everyone who wants to be a parent but can't. As much as it does anyone who wants to  eat food every day but can't. Or who wants to go to school but can't. Or who wants to walk but can't.

I'm just so over the equation of family = kids. What about the deliberately childless? What about us?

And for those who think that living your whole life without children is selfish, what about living your whole life in pursuit of a mini-me? ****

Mic drop.

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* And if I somehow want kids next year, please feel free to verbally flog me.
** Look at Honey Boo Boo's mom. Want to claim a lifeboat with her? (Not a fat joke, honest.)
*** It can be a big part of who you are, but it shouldn't be everything. Take it from the Queen, H. Clinton.
**** I may need to join a support group.

Also, another cool video about reproductive health, families and babies.

Go Home, The Nest, You're Drunk

via Pinterest

The sophomore follow up to the bridal magazine and site "The Knot" is called "The Nest". Then comes baby in a baby carriage with "The Bump". The assailant du jour is "The Knot". My commentary is in red. 

Exhibit A:

9* Signs You Shouldn't Have Kids

1. You’re an awful aunt.
You know the names of every band member in The Killers and can recite the Vogue masthead in your sleep. However, your niece is 7 and her name is Emily—and you insist on calling her Emma—and sincerely think that’s her name. She decided to just go along with it. Red flag.

If you knew that you were calling her the wrong name, wouldn't you stop? How does one have the self awareness to know when they "sincerely" call their niece the wrong name?

2. You’re completely broke.
You and your husband are 7K in credit card debt (thanks to your shoe addiction and his “necessary” 60-inch flat screen for the coveted man cave). Not to mention, you just borrowed some 911 money from your dad to make this month’s mortgage payment. Baby equals diapers, daycare and basically a good $250,000 in expenses by the time your kid turns 18 and you send him off to college. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.
I've heard that if you wait until you have enough money to have children, you'll never had them. BUT if you have $7k of shoe-debt you need to stop even thinking about having a family and cut up your credit cards. And sell those shoes. And seek counseling. 

3. You’re a jet-setter.
Your friends call you a bird because you and your man love to fly away on a whim and have the means to do it! I’ll let you in on a little secret: A spontaneous trip to Miami for a long-weekend is out of the question once your baby arrives. It’s more like a spontaneous trip to the 24-hour drug store because you ran out of diapers and nipple cream. Again.

Are you broke (see item 2) AND a jet-setter?

4. You flush fish…a lot.
You can’t remember to feed your Beta fish a measly flake every other day. You’re on your seventh Beta Fish. Enough said.

Betas ≠ Babies.

5. You’re super-squeamish.
Remember that recent GNO when your “fun, single friend” drank a little too much and puked and you started gagging and abandoned your hair-holding duties? Babies spit-up a lot. In fact, there are a lot of bodily fluids involved in raising a child. Might wanna try potty-training a puppy first.

6. You’re the worst babysitter. Ever.
Your girlfriend asked you to baby-sit her charming preschooler. You came home with Play-Doh in your hair, glitter down your bra and a first-degree burn when you went to drain the noodles for the “easy” mac ‘n cheese. You called in to work the next day to recoup.
Sticky hair, glitter on your chest, slight burns. My first reaction is "that sounds normal". My second reaction is  "doesn't sound like babysitting".

7. You love to sleep.
Nothing pleases you more than cuddling up with your husband on a Friday night and watching a movie after a long workweek. You’re both asleep before midnight and rise around 10 a.m. to make espresso and lounge around. Newborns wake up every two-hours. And take it from me: five-year-olds think starting the day at 5:30 AM is normal … on a Sunday.
Same can be achieved with a dog. 

8. Your relationship is a mess.
Newborns put even the strongest marriages to the test—imagine what a colicky baby could do to your shaky relationship? From the sleep deprivation to the stress of major responsibility 24-7, trust me, parenthood is not a fix for your troubled marriage.
This is truth.

9. You’re a workaholic.
From a sudden bout of the stomach flu (he got it and now so do you) to the Mother’s Day breakfast at school, there will be times when work has to take a backseat to parenthood. Make sure that you’re ready to do that juggling act before you have no choice.
Also truth.

One they didn't mention? #10: You just don't want them.

*You think that starting a sentence with a numeral is OK? Maybe The Knot shouldn't have spawned The Nest. 

Online Shopping Supports My Decision to Not Become a Parent

Searching for a gift for my niece's first birthday (Happy Birthday on the 23rd!), I narrowed my choices down to 3 and let the reviews do the choosing. Among other notes (usefulness, educational level and if it will be gender neutral to share with her brother), these negative reviews steered me toward an easy winner.

"Awful! Loud, chaotic, no real educational value, and worst of all not [the toy it advertised]."

"... a riot of crazy beeps, chimes, and voices goes off. We had it on the quiet setting and even so, it drove us crazy just testing it."

"...it just brings on another seizure-inducing round of flashes and shrill noises."

"... I am reluctant to let her play with it because she can fit the entire circle shapes (cookie and orange) completely into her mouth."

Bwahhahahah! My sister should thank me for avoiding the riotous, seizure-inducing, mouthful toys.

For the baby who has everything? A smartphone with 4-G, Fisher Price technology.

I'm seriously considering writing a check for her college fund. It's the ultimate educational gift and she can share with her brother, should he grow up to be a deadbeat.

Healthcare Rant: Update!

Remember this post on the screwed-up nature of healthcare and my own personal woes with prescription coverage? (Dad, this is the post I said you could skip reading since it related to women's health. Likewise you can skip this one ... it includes a personal story, so just be warned.)

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Well, here's what I did about the IUD situation:

The last week in May: I spoke with my HR department about the fact that IUDs aren't covered by our spectacular insurance even though the doctor's visit to *cough* "place them" are. She said that there's likely nothing we can do since it isn't in the plan, but she thought it was weird that only IUDs were explicit from the plan when other forms of more expensive birth control were covered. She said she'd talk to our insurance broker and see what the reasoning was behind that decision.

Monday, June 4th: I went to see my lady doc (who, by the way, is the best lady doc I've ever had. I'm not going to share her name because I want to make sure she doesn't get too popular and not have time for me. Do you keep any secrets like this?). Mr. S left the ultimate IUD decision up to me. I decided it was now or never and scheduled a same-day appointment for the 4th (there were time constraints on when this could be done). Let me remind you that this was a $1,000 product, not currently covered by my insurance.

(Skip to the bottom to see how the whole IUD thing went. Again, men in my life other than S, you may not want to read that.)

Tuesday, June 5th: Felt crappy, but was glad I did it.

Wednesday, June 13th: HR manager comes to me and says, "So, in talking to our broker we thought that it was strange that it wasn't covered. It wasn't covered in our old plan, and when we switched brokers, we just copy/pasted the whole plan without revising things. We are slowly revising things to meet the current need and this is one of the things we chose to revise. As of July 1st, we will cover the procedure and the pharmaceutical product."

I then say, "That's nice, but I already had it done." I had no reason to wait since they gave me no indication that there would be any change. I made it clear that I had to do the procedure at a certain time of the month and that time came and went.

HR then said that if I could get my doctor to forward-date the procedure to have happened in July, then it would be covered.

I then call my doctor's billing department, my insurance company and get a sort of run-around saying that my HR department or insurance broker would have to write a letter to the insurance company saying that the procedure would be covered on the date it was given. They can't just change procedure dates.

I go back to HR and tell them what I find and she said that she'd go back to the broker and see what they could do.

Thursday, June 14th: HR manager comes to me and says that they have looked up my insurance claim and have agreed to backdate the coverage to include my procedure and the expensive product used!

I'm so happy I could cry. Life isn't fair for me ... in a good way.

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Advice I can tell you that I learned from this experience:
- Always call your insurance company to see what is covered on your plan. Ask questions if it doesn't make sense.
- When calling your insurance company, make sure you get the reference number attached to your conversation. This way, if you have to call them back you can pick up in the conversation where you left off.
- Price shop other, comparable procedures/pharmaceuticals and see if you can bargain with your HR/insurance broker - it helps make your case!
- If you feel your insurance should cover something that it doesn't, you can file a grievance appeal after the claim has gone through.
- It never hurts to ask!

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The IUD Sitch
Since the IUD has to be placed during a certain point in your cycle, I needed it to be put in on short notice. I went back and forth with the doc about pain killers as I've heard and read that this is a painful procedure. She offered to call me in something stronger, but said that Vicodin wouldn't help me as much as I thought because of the type of pain (inflammation) that it would be. She suggested I take a strong amount of ibuprofen right as I get into the docs office. So, I went with the Advil.

Holy balls that was the worst 90 seconds of my life. Intense pain. The kind where I didn't know what to do with my hands and they were shaking and squeezing my stomach. Thank Jesus that I didn't move and that my doc is a pro at these (already did a few that day even before I got in the office!) because she said it could take up to 5 minutes to do, but only took us 90 seconds. After the  preliminary measurement and actual placement was over, I felt immediate relief. Like-just-hit-the-ground-after-nearly-falling-out-of-your-parachute-harness relief. She had me lie their for a few minutes to get my bearings and calm down from the adrenaline rush.

I imagine that this was like getting a piercing on an internal organ. The initial pain is awful, but the adrenaline is addictive. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to do this again, but I can see where people are coming from with tattoos/piercings. I'd had piercings (3 in the ears, 1 in the nose), but none hurt like this.

So anyway, the first day was mostly shocking, but I was ok. The next day, thankfully, I worked from home. I would have needed to take a sick day if I didn't work from home. I felt crampy all day and was couch-ridden. Nothing I haven't experienced before with normal woman-issues. I have taken ibuprofen off-and-on for the past week to maintain the pain, but it's only gotten better. Some days I need no meds or heating pad at all.

Why We Shouldn't Rely on Technology for Everything

My parents will be in town in two weekends to help my sister and bro-in-law move. My sister has 2 children under the age of 2 and an iPhone. This is an email from my sister. Knowing these clues, we can all assume that no one actually died in the following:

"Mom maybe coming out earlier than dad. I'd love to see you guys. I wouldn't mind chasing babies help and or organizing help at the new house. I would love to see you at the new house and show it off if you guys want to come to us. I dad will be in Saturday and Sunday. Saturday is probably a better day him and if you guys want to come to us at night that defined your input killed Isabella down and we can all hang out.  Let me know what you think.
Sorry, this may sound this email may be weird. However I was using Siri to help me type it."

... killed.

KILLED!? Holy wow. Thanks, Siri.

via

Dusting Off the Soapbox: a Rant on Healthcare

Close your ears, dad; it's another rant on women's health and healthcare. You can skip this one and come back later today for a normal Tipsy Tuesday :)

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Fuckin' insurance.

There, I said it.

I have some of the best insurance around. Everything is covered. Even massages (I know!). The dentist is cheap, they cover my eyeglasses and mental health counseling is even free! My company really believes in taking care of people. There is a woman in my office who, with complications, had a baby for only $40 out of pocket. $40 beans, people! She had to pay the copay to see the doctor to diagnose her pregnancy and then another $20 to see a specialist to diagnose her complications. Even delivery was covered by our provider. Holy hell, that's nice.

Not everyone is this lucky. I know cause this is the first job I've had that has insurance and really takes care of you. I know I've got it good.

I thought I saw no wrong until I went to the doc today. Regular checky-check. Nothing to write home about. I even got some great no-baby solutions from the lady-doc that would be long-term and relatively hormone free (me thinks me found a winner!). She suggested I see if insurance covered it before scheduling the implementation of this solution.

Mother F-balls, IUDs cost $1,000 and aren't covered by my insurance. And that's just the cost of the product, not including the in-office procedure. Ironically, the office visit is covered. I can go see the doc, but she can't DO anything. 

Now, I'm not mother (and I plan not to be for a long time, if ever), but I know that having a baby costs a ton of money. Just being pregnant costs money with ultrasounds, vitamins, doc visits, etc. Then you have to actually have the thing which translates to some hospital time (or birthing center time.... or birthing tub with herbal incense and waterfall music time) and then re-translates to: MONEY. Thousands of dollars. And that's just if everything goes well! And that's also just what people pay out of pocket who even have insurance... let's just imagine what the insurance company is paying for someone to have a baby on their plan. Hell, some women can't get insurance once their pregnant because it's too much of a money-suck on the insurance. (So messed up. Deep breaths into a paper bag.)

Tell me if this is messed up: I can get a massage discounted at 80% on my insurance but I cannot help save the provider money and my employer time and money (hello maternity leave!) by getting a break on contraceptives? Messed up?

I can tell you that my company would not be happy to deal with my potential long-term leave right now. Not that I'm invaluable, but that our team has had a lot of shifts lately (resignations, new-hires, new initiatives that I am managing) and my boss has flat-out said that the only thing that could ruin his day (after my cohort resigned) was if I came to him and told him I was pregnant.

via

Moral of this story - if birth control were covered by insurance, if my provider and I could split the difference of this IUD, if the mother-f-ing Catholic church would stop suing over contraception then maybe the US would have fewer unplanned pregnancies, fewer unfit or unprepared mothers or fewer families incurring financial, emotional and physical strain! And let's not forget that the buck doesn't stop with those strained families; it passes right on through (like a corn nugget in a turd) to the communities and ultimately the taxpayers (cough - that's you!).

After all, the legislation isn't staying that you have to use contraception, it's just saying that you have the right to have access to it like you would any other medication. Now, I don't know if IUDs would be covered in Obamacare, but the whole ordeal did get me thinking about medication, women's rights and what is holding back healthcare.

What do you think? Am I missing something crucial here that makes this all make sense?


Disclaimer: I love Jesus. I love families. I love America. I stand by Planned Parenthood, the God that created liberty and the country that allows for it. Now, let's come together!

Flip It Friday: Disney Trips for Adults :/

Would you, as an adult, go to Disney World/Land?

(Frankly, I don't know the difference and I'd be ashamed of myself for Googling it. Not because I'm ashamed not to know, but rather because I'd be ashamed I cared enough.)

The topic of going to Disney as an adult has come up more than once in conversation with my peers.

There's a guy at work who has no children and he and his wife go with a group of adult friends and have a good time. On our recent Nicaragua trip, our travel buddies said they know adults who've gone for years - with or without children.

I personally cannot stand the thought of doing that. All those kids. All the street people dressed up in costume and wanting to hug you. Awful.

Did I mention my biggest fear is street performers/being pulled on stage by a comedy act?

Please don't touch me or pick me out of a crowd.

Anyway, Mr. S has to go to Or-lahn-doe for work over my birthday (sob sob*) and people suggest I take time off and go with him to enjoy Or-lahn-doe.

I say, "F-that".

They say, "But Disney".

I laugh at their silly joke-of-a-suggestion and then droop my face into a frown when I realize they don't get the joke. They're serious.

People rave about the food, rides, shows, weather, fun, distractions er, attractions at Disney, but I feel I can get a top meal and see a show in most major cities. Why would I do it with a million snot-waddlers around?

Have you "done Disney"?

So which party do you fall into? Disney-as-an-Adult or Thank-You-Southwest-Stewardess-For-The-Free-Cocktails-on-the-Way-Home-From-OrLahnDoe. (footnote)

(footnote a line later) Mr. S and I had to attend a Pakistani wedding in Or-lahn-doe last year and we seemed to be the only non-child-riddled people on the flight so to help us cope with the screams and tantrums she brought us free cocktails. Bless her!

Flip-It Friday: Should Birth Experiences Be More Private

Babies are wonderful. I like 'em. They are cute and they keep the world moving forward as they are the next generation.

But they're also gross.

I've had a strange influx of babies in my professional life and I have to say, its kinda sick to think about.

To think about where they come from and have to stare at the person's face across a conference table.

To think about their first experiences in the world when I get an email announcement of their name and their weight and a declaration of their sex.

I thought I had pictured it all (well, not it "all", but way too much) in my head and then I read CakeWrecks blog for today:



That scene gives me every single one of the symptoms that can be cured by pepto bismol (naseau, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach... everybody, sing with me!) all at once. Goo.

So tell me, how much information is TMI for the workplace? Should you even tell your own family of the very personal details of the delivery room? Do you put is on FB? (dear heavens, no!)

Alternate title for this post: "Bowl of Placenta".

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Thought for Thursday: Sucky Names

Is it just me or do baby names today suck? I'm not going to name names (haha... too easy), but there are just too many _____s out there and _____s. Where's your inspiration, parents?!

(Necessary disclaimer: Any of you who read this - all 3 of you - who have had babies - er, none of you - I LOVE your baby name. Its perfect and fitting and unique and inspirational. I'm sure your kidlet will turn out exactly who you want them to be and live up to the name you gave them.)