It's All Been Said Before, But Apparently Couples Aren't Listening

More relationship advice. Go ahead and click away now if you're sick of it. I can't remember if I've been writing a lot of relationship advice lately, but I know it's been done. Cliche, of course, but on the heels of yet another celebrity split (apparently a shocker), and after meeting another set of newlyweds this weekend that boasted "We've only been married a few months... but at least we beat Kim Kardashian!" I feel I/we/you could use some friendly reminders.

Let's take the recent spotlight separation - Heidi Klum and Seal - for an example and dissect it into it's wrong turns.

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Their statement:
“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy (1) years of marriage, after much soul-searching (2) we have decided to separate.We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart (3). This is an amicable process (4) and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority (5), especially during this time of transition.”


1) Marriage is based on a commitment (or, rather, should be) and commitment has nothing to do with the feeling of "love" or "happiness". Yes, you usually love your partner when you marry them, but if you based that marriage on your feelings you would love them when the sun shines and leave them when it rains. Why get married then? Why not just date, perpetually? Because you want to start a family with them, you want to have someone there to take care of you if you become a vegetable, or you want to be important enough to someone else that they trust you with their lives. Commitment based on feelings is childish and selfish. Which brings me to ...


2) Soul-searching is selfish. It implies that you are seeing what will "work" for you. Can you  make this marriage work? Can you stand to keep living life alongside this person? It's all about you, huh? Marriage used to mean that two people were now a unit, acting as one. Soul-searching is an inward discussion and cuts the other person out. Of course you split up after "soul-searching". Your animalistic fight or flight response turns on your marriage when you become an "I" instead of a "we". Which brings me to...


3) Growing apart is product of your decisions. Now, wait. Don't get me wrong. All couples need to be able to spend time with friends or have hobbies on their own. You cannot literally spend every waking second together. Or maybe you can but it could get really annoying. A bit of separate time makes you appreciate the time you have together, but growing apart is an extreme symptom of a decision to be separate. In high profile, high stress, high travel, dual-career, multiple-child marriages oftentimes couples have to schedule time together to nurture their relationship. Regular date night, even if you have to make them so regular that it's the same restaurant reservation on the same night once a month, do it! Marriage is about growing with someone. Making time to listen to them, ask questions, focus on them will remind you why you make a great team in the first place. Put your phone down, call a sitter and go on a date! If you're in trouble, don't go it alone and don't ignore it. Seek counseling, go on a marriage retreat, do something annually to nurture your marriage (whether you have problems or not) and consider it preventative medicine. 


4) Lies.

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5) If your children were your top priority, you'd work on your marriage. Period. Divorce just does something to a family. To the kids specifically. I know my marriage is still wet behind the ears, but I am channeling the advice of our church's mentor couples and other successful marriages in my life by saying that you have to work on your marriage for your kids. Your spouse comes first, your kids come second. That might be a tough pill to swallow, but you have to have a stable spousal relationship to effectively, joyously raise a family. People think that they are doing their kids a favor by not fighting anymore when they divorce. But divorcing before going to counseling, taking a retreat with your spouse, and investing in your marriage by remembering your commitment is like putting a bandaid on a bandaid instead of re-dressing the wound - it only covers up the problem and lets it fester beyond salvation.

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Here is a relationship series that my church did. I heard a few of these in person and found them really inspiring.


Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. Don't take either lightly.  


Think I'm wrong? Am I missing something? Do you have marriage advice for me? Comment below!

Tipsy Tuesday: Say "No" to No Commitment

My list of single friends (or family members) is dwindling, but for those of your out there who still are, this is for you.

Its super cliche, but if you are with someone and know that it's not going anywhere you MUST let them go. For both of your sakes. Maybe you're on the fence (but you have clear-cut signs from them - that you may be ignoring), but you cannot just wait there... on that fence... ouch! Keep living your life and make it known to them that it's all-or-nothing with you.

One of my recent roommates (before I got married) did this when some guy was flipping between dating her and dating his ex-girlfriend (yikes!). She put her foot down and said, "Hey, it's fine if you want to date her, but we you can't have both. I'm [out-skis]." And not that this is commonplace, but once she stood up for herself, he respected her more. He eventually came around to date her exclusively and they're happily together now.

We've all hung onto people for too long before and it's only hurt more to end it. Rip the band-aid off quickly.

The following are lies you may have heard:

- He said he wanted to be friends and we went straight from dating to being friends. Seamlessly. I don't feel hurt at all. In fact, I'm so not-hurt he comes over to change the light bulbs when I need him and even brought his new girlfriend so I could meet her. We're. such. good. friends.

- We're free to see other people while we date. I mean, I'm not seeing anyone, but I could if I wanted to. I just don't want to... 

- I'm still talking to him because he owes me money/has my sweatshirt/gives me that birthday gift. The second I get what belongs to me, I'm done.

- I need him.

- He needs me.

- I don't have anyone else in my life.

Lies, lies, lies. You're not friends, he's cheating on you, your stuff's not worth it, no you don't, no he doesn't, sure you do. You're reading this, aren't you?

You can't let anyone else in until you push him/her out. I've been on both sides of this situation and it's not worth hanging on. Draw a clear line in the sand and go your separate ways.

Sorry, this one was content-heavy and preachy. I get fired up about this nonsense.

Bev? How about something with, appropriately, bitters :)

Resolutions for 20-Somethings

Love this list. I think we could all stand to learn a thing or two:

Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?”and if the answer is not, “yes, I absolutely must,” then step away from the Internet. 

Know which candidate you’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, and know why. 

Enough with the 14-day juice cleanses. If you want to lose a little weight quickly, eat less and exercise like crazy. If you want to lose a lot of weight slowly, do whatever Jennifer Hudson did. 

If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the best. If you don’t and wouldn’t, stop. 

Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away. 

Please stop liking the Kardashians, all of them. It’s not helping anyone, least of all the Kardashians. 

Spend less than or equal to the money you earn each month. 

Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work. 

Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes. 

Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how. 

Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. This is what the olden days were like. 

Replace one terrible reality show you’re currently watching with one wonderful scripted show currently available on television. Swap suggestion: Real Housewives of Anywhere for HBO’s Enlightened. 

Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried, unless it’s brussels sprouts. They really don’t need any more attention. 

Cut one person out of your life who you truly do not like and add one person who you truly do. Note: not on Facebook, on Earth. 

If you’re still blacking out regularly, you should stop. 

Volunteer once over the next 90 days. You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275. 

Tell someone who you love that you love them on a more regular basis. To their face, not in a text.
Back up your entire online life onto an external hard drive, especially your photos. 

Crap or get off the pot. This applies to whatever thing you’re not doing that you should just sack up and do already. 

And in the eternal words of Tom Haverford, “TREAT YO SELF!”

Via here. Seen here first.

Why Can't We Be Friends: The Friends-of-Ex Edition

So I've blogged about being friends with an ex of your own, but what about being friends with your friend's ex? Tricky.

This is a question I've actually been asked recently (yay for reader input!) and have asked around to others as well.

My firm conclusion is to consider your friend your first priority.

You don't need to be cruel to or host hate parties in honor of the ex, but going out of your way to befriend your friend's ex can been seen as betrayal. It's not about what you want in this situation. Its not even about rationality. Your friend has dated this person and unless he/she gives you the go-ahead to befriend the ex, you should steer clear out of respect for the relationally fallen.

- If you see the ex on the street, say hello and chat, but don't offer to walk them to their destination.

- If you get a message from them on FB/text, write back in generalities and initiate no plans with them.

- If they invite you to do something in a group, see if the ex would be invited and only go if your friend knows that you are attending and is cool with it. Transparency is key. Sneaking around could lose you a friend.

- If they invite you to do something one-on-one... beware (especially if they are of the opposite sex). They may be trying to pick your brain to get juicy deets on your friend or worse, they may realize they biffed it with the friend and be going after you romantically! I don't even have a good solution for this one. I'd just close that door quickly!

Some argue that if you are friends with the ex as well, that you should be able to see them whenever you want - that any rule, however unspoken, shouldn't apply if you're friends with the ex.

Then the ex is your "friend" and the person you previously thought was your friend is actually the "ex". Think about it.

I've been on both sides of this. I've been hurt by friends hanging out with my ex's (however long it's been or however irrational it may seem). I've also been contacted by a friend's ex to meet up and have ignored it or turned it down politely to avoid conflict.

You cannot be on both sides of a war. If the relationship did not end well and your friend has told you they would be hurt if you hung out with the ex, then DUH, don't do it. If you didn't ask your friend, had you even thought to ask?! Did the thought of asking make you uncomfortable? Take that as your intuition telling you what you need to do.

Ultimately, you need to decide where your allegiance is and stand by your friend - whichever party that may be.

How to Break-up with a Friend

Friends come to us in all stages of our lives. Some are long-lasting and some are a bridge from one stepping stone of life to the other. Some come and go quietly, drifting away with distance or diversion. Some show up like they're late to a movie, sit in the middle of the row (climbing over you), bring their own bag of chips, answer a phone call during a love scene and only leave when the staff comes to sweep the sticky floor.

You're either very fortunate or very timid if you've never had to break up with a friend before.

It can be planned or unintentional, but as with all break-ups, it is for the good of both parties. No one wants to be in a one-sided friendship.

- Is a friend hurting you? Not the "refining" kind of tough love that really builds character, but really tearing you down. Break-up.

- Is he/she pulling away when you need them or refusing to help you when they are mentally, physically, socially, emotionally capable? (I stress capable here.) Break-up.

- Is the friend parasitic? Is it in their character to take and take from you and you feel drained for being around them, supporting them? Sometimes our friends need more love and support - be there for them day/night/weeknights/midnights/whatever it takes. I say to only diagnose a parasite when behavior is consistent and independent of a period of stress. Then, point them to medical help and break-up.

The best case scenario is a break-up that happens naturally where both parties drift away. Even better if it happens after one or both move further from each other.

The idea is to remain amiable, but not friends. Let the time you spend with them fade and see if the relationship just sort of dissipates. If the friend is a pulling away from you first, then you may be able to do this easily. Chances are, if you've expressed any discomfort to them in the past, then pulling away might not be much of a shock to them.

If once you pull away the party expresses true interest in where you have gone socially (and not just a text or FB message saying "Miss U, lol, *smiley face"), then you can have a calm conversation with them using "I" statements.

"I am having a difficult time supporting our friendship right now and need to take some time out and reflect."
"I know you are having a hard time right now, but I feel like I'm not equipped to help you, maybe we can google for psychologists on your healthcare plan. I just want you to be well."
"I'm sensitive and need to take a step back from some people in my life. I think I need some space."

If you are at the point of a break-up, I assume you've had more than one argument or face-to-face confrontation with this individual where you've had the chance to offer up information to them about their behavior - a chance for the relationship to work. If not, have that conversation. But if you are breaking up with them, be firm. Don't let them keep coming back. Don't call them. Don't invite them to events (harsh? no, I don’t think so). You need to be clear with them and live up to the expectation that you set when you break-up.

A break-up is not the time to fix someone and it’s not a threat. It’s an action to benefit two people who are in a toxic relationship and should be intentional and final.

If you aren’t prepared to say goodbye to this person, don’t bring-up a break-up. Maybe you like their drama - if so, have your head checked. Of course, you may be right and they may be crazy (but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for).

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