It's All Been Said Before, But Apparently Couples Aren't Listening

More relationship advice. Go ahead and click away now if you're sick of it. I can't remember if I've been writing a lot of relationship advice lately, but I know it's been done. Cliche, of course, but on the heels of yet another celebrity split (apparently a shocker), and after meeting another set of newlyweds this weekend that boasted "We've only been married a few months... but at least we beat Kim Kardashian!" I feel I/we/you could use some friendly reminders.

Let's take the recent spotlight separation - Heidi Klum and Seal - for an example and dissect it into it's wrong turns.

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Their statement:
“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy (1) years of marriage, after much soul-searching (2) we have decided to separate.We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart (3). This is an amicable process (4) and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority (5), especially during this time of transition.”


1) Marriage is based on a commitment (or, rather, should be) and commitment has nothing to do with the feeling of "love" or "happiness". Yes, you usually love your partner when you marry them, but if you based that marriage on your feelings you would love them when the sun shines and leave them when it rains. Why get married then? Why not just date, perpetually? Because you want to start a family with them, you want to have someone there to take care of you if you become a vegetable, or you want to be important enough to someone else that they trust you with their lives. Commitment based on feelings is childish and selfish. Which brings me to ...


2) Soul-searching is selfish. It implies that you are seeing what will "work" for you. Can you  make this marriage work? Can you stand to keep living life alongside this person? It's all about you, huh? Marriage used to mean that two people were now a unit, acting as one. Soul-searching is an inward discussion and cuts the other person out. Of course you split up after "soul-searching". Your animalistic fight or flight response turns on your marriage when you become an "I" instead of a "we". Which brings me to...


3) Growing apart is product of your decisions. Now, wait. Don't get me wrong. All couples need to be able to spend time with friends or have hobbies on their own. You cannot literally spend every waking second together. Or maybe you can but it could get really annoying. A bit of separate time makes you appreciate the time you have together, but growing apart is an extreme symptom of a decision to be separate. In high profile, high stress, high travel, dual-career, multiple-child marriages oftentimes couples have to schedule time together to nurture their relationship. Regular date night, even if you have to make them so regular that it's the same restaurant reservation on the same night once a month, do it! Marriage is about growing with someone. Making time to listen to them, ask questions, focus on them will remind you why you make a great team in the first place. Put your phone down, call a sitter and go on a date! If you're in trouble, don't go it alone and don't ignore it. Seek counseling, go on a marriage retreat, do something annually to nurture your marriage (whether you have problems or not) and consider it preventative medicine. 


4) Lies.

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5) If your children were your top priority, you'd work on your marriage. Period. Divorce just does something to a family. To the kids specifically. I know my marriage is still wet behind the ears, but I am channeling the advice of our church's mentor couples and other successful marriages in my life by saying that you have to work on your marriage for your kids. Your spouse comes first, your kids come second. That might be a tough pill to swallow, but you have to have a stable spousal relationship to effectively, joyously raise a family. People think that they are doing their kids a favor by not fighting anymore when they divorce. But divorcing before going to counseling, taking a retreat with your spouse, and investing in your marriage by remembering your commitment is like putting a bandaid on a bandaid instead of re-dressing the wound - it only covers up the problem and lets it fester beyond salvation.

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Here is a relationship series that my church did. I heard a few of these in person and found them really inspiring.


Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. Don't take either lightly.  


Think I'm wrong? Am I missing something? Do you have marriage advice for me? Comment below!