Friends come to us in all stages of our lives. Some are long-lasting and some are a bridge from one stepping stone of life to the other. Some come and go quietly, drifting away with distance or diversion. Some show up like they're late to a movie, sit in the middle of the row (climbing over you), bring their own bag of chips, answer a phone call during a love scene and only leave when the staff comes to sweep the sticky floor.
You're either very fortunate or very timid if you've never had to break up with a friend before.
It can be planned or unintentional, but as with all break-ups, it is for the good of both parties. No one wants to be in a one-sided friendship.
- Is a friend hurting you? Not the "refining" kind of tough love that really builds character, but really tearing you down. Break-up.
- Is he/she pulling away when you need them or refusing to help you when they are mentally, physically, socially, emotionally capable? (I stress capable here.) Break-up.
- Is the friend parasitic? Is it in their character to take and take from you and you feel drained for being around them, supporting them? Sometimes our friends need more love and support - be there for them day/night/weeknights/midnights/whatever it takes. I say to only diagnose a parasite when behavior is consistent and independent of a period of stress. Then, point them to medical help and break-up.
The best case scenario is a break-up that happens naturally where both parties drift away. Even better if it happens after one or both move further from each other.
The idea is to remain amiable, but not friends. Let the time you spend with them fade and see if the relationship just sort of dissipates. If the friend is a pulling away from you first, then you may be able to do this easily. Chances are, if you've expressed any discomfort to them in the past, then pulling away might not be much of a shock to them.
If once you pull away the party expresses true interest in where you have gone socially (and not just a text or FB message saying "Miss U, lol, *smiley face"), then you can have a calm conversation with them using "I" statements.
"I am having a difficult time supporting our friendship right now and need to take some time out and reflect."
"I know you are having a hard time right now, but I feel like I'm not equipped to help you, maybe we can google for psychologists on your healthcare plan. I just want you to be well."
"I'm sensitive and need to take a step back from some people in my life. I think I need some space."
If you are at the point of a break-up, I assume you've had more than one argument or face-to-face confrontation with this individual where you've had the chance to offer up information to them about their behavior - a chance for the relationship to work. If not, have that conversation. But if you are breaking up with them, be firm. Don't let them keep coming back. Don't call them. Don't invite them to events (harsh? no, I don’t think so). You need to be clear with them and live up to the expectation that you set when you break-up.
A break-up is not the time to fix someone and it’s not a threat. It’s an action to benefit two people who are in a toxic relationship and should be intentional and final.
If you aren’t prepared to say goodbye to this person, don’t bring-up a break-up. Maybe you like their drama - if so, have your head checked. Of course, you may be right and they may be crazy (but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for).
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