My Problem with the Word "DESERVE"

DESERVE: do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).

Even after reading the definition, I'm not sure what "deserve" means. I think that, no matter what, it's reductive and one-sided.

You DESERVE a big birthday party. (For being born?)

He DESERVES to lose his job for what he did. (And you've never stolen office supplies?)

I don't DESERVE this parking ticket! (You don't? Who parked the car?)

It's something women say to each other when they want to freely enjoy forbidden sweets/alcohol/new shoes.
It's something men say to women, alongside giving a gift, that distracts from something about which they're guilty.
It's something parents say to children who have just barely managed to keep quiet in the car for an hour with the promise of a drive-thru on the other end. 

It's a cop-out. 

What each of those deserve, in order, is: 
therapy (of the non-retail variety), 
an apology (paired with the truth) 
and a bleeping sense of who's in charge. 

The only people in my experience who ever deserve anything are those who never take advantage of their just desserts. 

They're mostly unknown, fictional and/or dead. 

Look at Mother Teresa*, if anyone deserved to take a sick day it was this chick. But she worked her nunnery like a boss even after pneumonia, a heart attack and a broken collar bone. 

I'm not saying girlfriends can't enjoy pedicures while gabbing about the struggles of a long week.
Or that a spouse shouldn't dote on their partner for no reason at all.
Or that kids can even remotely stay quiet for an hour - unless they're asleep. 

I just think people need to let go of the idea of "deserving" something and call a spade a spade. 


*I must have Motha-T on the brain lately. Maybe I've been abducted by Catholicism. 

Words I Hope to Never Use

I don't like the word "husband" in general, but it's bastard, half-breed offspring are even worse: hubby, hubster, hubberz, hubs. I may use "bubbs", however, as I think it's poetically redneck in the most awful/wonderful way.

Peplum. Never mind that I don't know how to say it. Any way that it crosses my mind is annoying. The concept though is really cute.

Bauble. Sounds pretentious and like you're choking.

Chloe. Yes, the name. It gives me the willies and reminds me of this dirty animal body part (click if you are not easily grossed out). I'm sorry if I just ruined that name for you.

Aesthetic. I get it. The language gods want everyone who's trying to describe something as artistically pleasing to sound like an asshole. Slow clap on behalf of critics everywhere.

This has been a lesson in pet peeves and judgement. Good day to you!

10 years

Ten years ago today my hometown community and I lost someone significant.

Googling his name produces either dry articles from local papers about the specifics of the accident or sloppy-wet pleas from local pontificates about "healing" and "in a better place".

In honor of this milestone anniversary of his passing (and a week after his birthday - he would have been 26), I'd like to rewrite history and give him an online presence that is neither scientific nor somber. To show him we've thrived. And because he was funny and would have disliked such a monotone, sad legacy.

Here goes:

JP was a badass. He said yes to life while he had it. He didn't need authority or rules or grades - just ask his teachers! He died in an appropriately silly way: on what he called "scoot-ride", riding into the sun, and hearsay says, eating! He was one of few kids to have a full drum set in his room and probably the only one I know to have created a logo for himself and the set. He was handsome but would sacrifice a cool flick of his hair for a twisted-up face and goofy voice if it would get a laugh. He was cool but risked his popularity by working for a hot-dog joint. Alas! He made working the fryers cool! 

via

JP, we really had quite a thing going and I was devastated as anyone would have been to say goodbye. I'm sorry I lost touch with your family, but I somehow think that was for the best. But in good news, I got out of town. I graduated from a prestigious university. I moved to a big city and have had a few professional jobs. I am married, own a house, have a new car, a cute dog and a wonderful husband that I think you'd really like. He plays guitar, so I think you'd probably bond over a jam session.
Neither of you can sing though.
I'll handle that :)

---
Leave hate-mail comments if you like, but I think he'd applaud some irreverence.

John Piper's Rain Dance Elicits Tornado

After one light post let's go right back down into the pit, shall we?

I was thinking lately about how much I blog about the news. I really enjoy being current on world events and think, possibly self righteously, that everyone needs to have a wide, educated world view. It may keep us from WWIII or get us to start recycling. Who knows.

So when the tornadoes hit Oklahoma this week, I thought, "Should I blog this?"

I usually blog on things in the news that have an angle. Two sides. A stance I can take.

Aside from launching into global warming and the need for us to care for the planet, I didn't see how I could take a side that wasn't implicit. Of course these tornadoes are terrible. Of course we are sadden by all of the loss. I'm not trivializing it; I'm saying I thought that reaction was universal.

After a long lunch in the sun with a particularly progressive, politically minded, and religiously skeptic friend (who went to school in OK and has friends there that were affected), I read this post and was immediately thrown into head-nodding agreement and heart-pounding disgust.

Rachel Held Evans wrote:

"Then, before I could stop it, an awful thought popped into my mind: “Oh no. How long will it take John Piper to get on the radio, TV, his blog, or Twitter to explain to the world that this was God’s judgment on sin and tell the parents who lost children in this tornado that they got exactly what they deserved?
"Because this is what John Piper does whenever there is a tornado…or earthquake…or shooting…or war. While the world is still in shock, while we struggle to find the words to convey our grief and compassion and to weep with those who weep, he jumps in with an explanation, and it’s always the same: Bad things happen because God is angry. This is God’ judgment on undeserving, sinful people. Repent. We brought this on ourselves.
"That’s because Piper and many in the fundamentalist neo-Reformed movement are working off of a perversion of the doctrine of total depravity that not only teaches that human beings are depraved—that is, that our humanity is marred by sin—but that this depravity renders the world’s men, women, and children into valueless objects of god’s wrath, worthy of nothing more than eternal torture, pain, violence, and abuse."

If you're interested, read the whole post. Or to skip it. It'll really only make you mad at some sad man mongering "just desserts" on Twitter. 

And if you need to get out of the downward hate-spiral, be sure to read the end of Rachel's post:

"God is patient and kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God does not dishonor, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered. God keeps no record of wrong. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails."

*A project that I spent the greater part of the last 2 years, but not the last few months, developing was launched today.

I don't have any babies.
But I do have a kind of organism.
One that I bled into.
One that I spent a long gestation waiting for.
One that pained me, restricted me
worried me at night in dream, in waking
I kept at it, unwilling to separate myself
Myself someone else separated.
Today, in a city like a sci-fi movie
was born the digital babe that sucked and was severed.
To some other parent.
To a silent audience.

Sick! Advice for What to Say to a Sick Person

Saw this article from the New York Times on A Cup of Jo and thought it had some excellent points on what to say and what not to say to a sick person.

Highlight: "I SHOULD BE GOING NOW. You’ll never go wrong by uttering these five words while visiting someone who’s sick. As Ms. Pogrebin observes of such visits, don’t overstay your welcome. She recommends 20 minutes, even less if the patient is tired or in pain. And while you’re there, wash a few dishes or tidy up the room. And take out the trash when you leave."



My personal favorite thing to say in an awkward/sick/death situation is acted out in this scene from Steel Magnolias via youtube.com. Geepers I love this movie and all of the crazy southern characters! Seriously, if you have not seen this movie, you need to borrow my copy.