The one job in my career that I outright hated was one where my boss and coworkers were mostly women. Not that working with women is always going to be bad for me (I work with some great women now), but feminine work relationships can come with unique predispositions*:
- What women say, in words, can be different - even the opposite - of what women mean, in tone
- Women may invite too close of a personal relationship at work which makes them vulnerable**
- Women gossip
- Women take things personally and react emotionally
- Competition looks different for women (Hey, Jealousy!) and may cause some surprising fallout
- B#tches be crazy
A male aquaintence of mine works with a good mix of men and women. He explained to me how he's going through some drama at work and doesn't know how to get things back to normal after some, in hindsight, awful gossip (point 3).
Seeking my advice, he told me the story about how a few rumors about a fellow coworker - let's call her Bathsheba*** (points 1, 3) told to him by a couple of people - Miriam and Aaron - (point 2) and some eye-witness evidence of said rumor led him to believe the rumor was true(1). He went on to say that the rumor came up in conversation with another women - Hagar (1,2,3,4,5,6) and he repeated it. My friend was the last free-link in the chain as Hagar took the rumor to Bathsheba herself. He explained how
Bathsheba is now speaking to Miriam and Aaron (5), but not him (4).
My friend apologized in email, but couldn't apologize in person to Bathshebe as she was still mad (1, 4, 6). I suggested that he ask her to go to lunch again and let her get all of her anger out (6) - without trying to justify or point the blame on anyone else (5). I hope it works.
As a girl who's lived through the ongoing Middle School that is real life, I feel sorry for men that have to deal with this type of bull crap. But, of course, we can all be the captains of our own ship. Avoiding such social icebergs is always the best option, so here's my advice for prevention.
- If anyone comes to you with information that is either not their own to share and is not good information, tell them to either can it or see HR.
- Unless your participation is legally mandatory (hello, subpoena!), plead the fifth when juicy gossip comes up.
- You should only address a colleagues's personal problem at work if it meets these criteria:
- It is affecting their performance or someone else's and/or is illegal AND
- You are prepared to march right over to HR after you speak to them directly - something that is big enough for you to intervene, is big enough to involve HR OR
- They reach out to you
Otherwise in the words of Salt N' Pepa, it's none of your business.
*These are generalizations and will not apply to all women. Some may apply to men.
** Vulnerability isn't bad, but letting your guard down and then making enemies is
*** We're watching the History channel's The Bible and I didn't want to use a name of anyone I'd ever met.
