[chirp] LOW BATTERY

Gather 'Round and Let Me Tell You A Story:

I was awoken at 5 AM by my Mr. yelling from the bathroom.

"What is that?" He asked.

Then the dog jumped up and half-woofed.

"What?"

"You didn't hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Well you clearly didn't hear it."

"So why do you keep asking me?" Was I talking in my sleep? "Is everything ok?"

[chirp] LOW BATTERY

"Oh that? No, I didn't hear it before now."

"I think it's the smoke alarm in the hallway of our unit."

[chirp] LOW BATTERY

The Mr. comes back to bed and settles in next to the dog.

"Um, you aren't going to take care of it? We can't sleep through the low battery alarm!" I said.

The Mr. steps into the hall and tries to reach the alarm from standing on the ground. He gets the step stool. He pulls it down and somehow activates the smoke alarm function. Then the carbon monoxide function.

[chirp] LOW BATTERY
[scree-eam] SMOKE DETECTED
[whiiiirrrll] CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTED

Now we are in a literal 3 alarm situation at 5:15 AM. He pulls the machine apart. No battery to be seen. He starts pulling on wires and circuit boards. The alarms persist. He runs to the kitchen and yells:

"Bring me a hammer!"

I deliriously wander the hallway in an effort to not only find a hammer under stress, but look like I know where he keeps tools. Because this girl scout is both helpful AND supportive.

The Mr. realizes that my support is purely superficial and he finds his own hammer. Taking the whole screaming mess to the kitchen sink, he starts a'smashing.

"Are you sure that... ok... don't hurt yourself," I said.

After a couple good whacks the battery pops out of the front of the panel, as I'm sure all batteries on modern alarms do. I go to clean up the pieces but the Mr. told me to leave it. I've seen enough Law and Order to know that the sociopath isn't won over at 5:20 after a violent binge, so I leave the crime scene and we head back to bed to try and fall back asleep for 20 minutes before the usual alarms go off.

At least we know how to deactivate those.

Thoughtful Thursday: Tithing

Hey kidlets. I've got a lot of things I need to talk about.

List for accountability's sake:
- How busy I've been and what my real opinion of "busy" is.
- A pulse check on my religion. That me in the corner...
- The red herring of the Republican party
- Closed-minded prejudice and the rumors it births
- A follow up from my performance review
- A Roo-update, as she's the real reason you're all here.

But today, somehow, I have the mustard to talk bout tithing.

Tithing: one-tenth part of something, paid as a contribution to a religious organization or compulsory tax to government.

I haven't called myself a part of the little-c church (a local, physical community) in years. I haven't called myself a part of the big-C Church (the world-wide community of the like-minded) in at least a year. I just don't think I've ever declared it to anyone. But that's another post about me in the corner, losing my religion. 

I wanted to talk about tithing (or offering, or putting pennies in the collection plate, or mission trips, or serving in Sunday school, or not taking vaccines, or praying the gay away, or trusting your pastor more than your financial/medical/psychological adviser... deep breath).

I barely tithed when I was in the church (somehow didn't see how my mega-church of traders, lawyers and blinged-up film makers needed my $20/week), but now I am so averse to giving to organizations that have a religious motive that I feel like I want to pull out of some long term commitments. 

For instance, I have a friend to whom I give for her annual salary. She is a "missionary" with Campus Crusade for Christ*. I feel that giving to her salary only promotes pushy evangelism. I am trying really hard to have no opinion of anyone's religion. But as a former insider I feel its is not only dishonest that I support Cru's mission but it is also hurtful because I'm starting to resent the recurring charges and call for prayer support. 

I wonder if taking this money away from her will cause her to lose her job. Or if the people she's disciplining are really getting help from her (emotional support, stable friendship, a meal, etc.).

And remember when I felt torn by giving to World Vision to support Syrian refugees? When all war is caused by religion. 

You heard right. Read it again. I thought it before. Bill Maher (however crass) has said it. And a sweet, Alabama-born veteran I met on the plane to Seattle last week, also named Bill, reaffirmed it. 

I have no problem with giving. In fact, I love to give. The Mr. and I set aside money each month and enjoy spending it on people who need it and causes that make the world better. 

I just wonder if I should take that money out of religious causes and give it to Kiva or UNICEF or Paws. 

What would you do? 

Who would/do you give to? 

Does an organization's religious affiliation affect your giving?

*Never mind that the organization is trying to "take back" the word "crusade" as if it wasn't a self-righteous Jesus-mask for stealing people's land, lives and rights.

10 Ways to Tell You've "Developmentally Lept" Into Adulthood

A Developmental Leap is when a person reached a turning point between phases of life and makes a giant step towards growing up. It's exhibited in children by being cry-y, cranky or clingy. In adults* it's exhibited by being cry-y, cranky and get-the-f#ck-off-y.

I've noticed it as such:

1) You pass up worrying about preventing gray hairs and wrinkles for wondering how they show up so quickly and being generally in awe of the transformation. Like one of those pills that, when in water, becomes a towel or a foam dinosaur.

2) You start off conversations with coworkers with the phrase, "My financial planner says..." and you get worried about other people not having a retirement plan. For both their sake and yours. You don't want your tax dollars to compensate for their lack of planning!

3) You get hair cuts with the specific intent to not look like a mom**, not draw attention and not have to spend more than 10 minutes on it***. I got my hair cut last Tuesday and literally NO ONE has said a word about it. Except The Mr, but he's legally required to notice.

4) An invitation to attend an outdoor concert seems like a trick.

5) When you happen to get in a nap, you wake up in a state similar to the twilight between drunk and hung-over and you haven't had a sip of alcohol in days. And yet... it was a wonderful nap! Let's go for broke and call an 8:30 bedtime!

6) Shopping makes you nauseous for a combination of any of the following reasons: prices, sizes, tweens, the general public, florescent lighting, touching those credit card machine buttons with your bare hands or the ease of accessibility to drive-thrus.

7) You scold someone else's unattended children in public and feel no shame. ("Hey hey hey! Watch for cars!")

8) You recognize your own slow-creeping racism/sexism that is birthed from road rage.

9) You notice a hobo pooping in the alley behind your house and, while you are disgusted, you commend him for doing it in some newspapers and at least trying to throw it away. Never mind he placed it in the recycling bin.****

10) You keep a formula letter to the city and/or bookmark the 311 website so that you can easily report downed tree limbs, blacken street lights, graffiti or that damn noise from the neighbors having a party past 10 PM*****.


*Me
**My only real request
***Even for formal occasions
****Have you read "Everybody poops"? You've gotta hand it to him. Or don't. Ew.
*****The. Nerve.