I admire my boss very much. He's a respectful, funny, reasonable guy who gives me a lot of autonomy and trusts me.
So when he was faced with a big illness (the kind that makes you really question what's important in life) my first thought was, "Shit. Is he going to die?"
My second thought was , "Shit. What if he dies?!"
My third thought was, "Ok. While we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop, how do we keep going?"
It may not seem like it, but all of those questions are different.
The first one expresses uncertainty. I was concerned for his life and was trying to decide if we could anticipate a dichotomous outcome. A yes or no.
The second question was more open-ended. It was kind of a choose-your-own-nightmarish-adventure. If he did die, how do we proceed? If he doesn't die, what other obstacles aren't we thinking of that may affect him, his work, his family, etc.? As an employee, what am I supposed to be concerned about? How far does my concern go? What questions am I allowed to ask?
The third question was probably the right one to ask as an employee in my situation. The first two are sort of reactive. They bank on me not controlling the inciting action. And they require so much planning for scenarios that cannot be determined ahead of time. By asking, "how do we keep going?" I am allowed to release myself from the guilt of doing anything for his illness directly. I refocus on helping him in the best way I know how - by doing my job.
When I focus on what I can control I ease anxiety on all fronts. He can trust me to just get things done. I can keep myself busy with work that actually matters and alleviate catastrophizing.
While he's been in diagnosis and treatment processes, I've had the chance to really grow. I have made decisions, voiced concerns and gone to bat for him professionally whenever I can. Nothing fell apart while he was in surgery or at home or waiting at a doctor's office. I have had to contact him while he's been in the hospital, but only for the most urgent of things. And he, I think, likes knowing that we can't completely function without him.
