Let me tell you a story about women. And finance.
When will she stop these topics, you ask? No telling. It's probably all I'll talk about... forever...
Chapter 1 - Is The Nest Egg Eggy Enough?
Yesterday the Mr. and I met with a financial planner. We are pretty good savers and come from humble backgrounds so we know how to live below our means. We have 401k's, a mortgage with a great rate, a new car with low interest, savings and great health insurance benefits. We budget. We limit ourselves. We have fun too (date night tonight!) but don't go really wild.
All that said, if we keep going as we are, we'll only have 59% of our retirement funded by the time we want to retire.
59%
Yowser. I knew we were bringing an adviser in at this stage because we are young, can save a bit more and have plenty of time to invest so our money makes money. We knew we'd need to focus more on the next step of investment, but I'm not sure that I was ready to hear that we were so under on the projection.
Chapter 2 - Look That Baby Monster Right In the Eyes
I've said since I got married that I'm not having children. The Mr. said it too. I'm still on the same page as I was when we got married but I think the Mr. is entertaining the idea of a brood. No harm in thinking about it. I want us both to be open-minded but also honest with each other about what we want.
The more I think about it and force myself to plan ahead (like way head... I mean... this whole post was birthed* from a retirement discussion) the more I add to my honest list of reason not to have children:
- I am not sure I can handle it mentally. I am pretty sure I keep it together during the day because I can be selfish and weird in my free time. If I have to be "on" all the time by being a mother, I may just go crazy.
- I'm selfish about my body and don't know if I can handle all of the changes that occur. I also think this might cause me to go crazy.
- I'm already crazy.
- I worry that between the Mr. and me, our genetic makeup will make for an ugly, broken child.
- I don't want to have children just because that's what people "do". I don't want to be defined by children.
- Adopting solves some of these problems but creates new ones like "what if it hates me" or "what if we never bond"
- I'm not a very affectionate person and would probably raise an antisocial serial murderer
Reasons to have children:
- If I live a long life, will I be lonely? (but again, I'm an introvert and maybe being a lonely old person would be my dream...?)
The little girl in this picture is the product of my inability to show affection.
The little boy is the product of my inability to wear pants at home.
The woman is not me (who picks rhubarb in a wire basket in a long, flowing white skirt?!).
The dogs are the only likelihood here.
Chapter 3 - The Saddest Realization of All
The saddest of realizations, and one I'm not proud of, is that I fear it will feel like I've failed if I become a mom.
See, having children in Chicago (we don't plan to become suburbanites) is expensive. Daycare, nannies, school, transport, food, after school activities, just putting those kids in hand-me-down Gap could be pricey!
With my career trajectory, education and skills its very possible that the cost of childcare could swallow up my entire salary - making it useless and even fiscally irresponsible for me to continue working.
I would have to become a stay-at-home mom. I say this is the saddest realization not because being a stay-at-home mom is wrong**, it's just that I would consider myself a failure in the workplace. I don't want the stigma of being a SAHM.
If I translate my abilities into money, I am worthless. (gasp....gasp)
Chapter 4 - Stay With Me, I'm Not a Jerk
The planner we met with yesterday was great. He said that if you add up the value of all the activities of a SAHM, you could arrive at a 6-figure salary, easily! He even said he wants to read Lean In to understand his clients and women's perspectives more. How nice.
But it didn't make it easier to see a sheet of paper with the Mr's numbers on it lying next to my sheet of paper with my numbers - mere fractions by comparison!
The only numbers I lead the Mr. in? Life expectancy. Womp womp :(
So, friends, what do you think? Why did/would you have children? Do you have a hard time disconnecting your self-worth to your bottom line? Do you have another perspective on the working mom vs. Stay-at-home mom debate?
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*Baby pun, check!
**It's totally not! Don't hate me!
