How to Work Through an Argument After You've Reached a Stalemate

The easy answer would be "quit". Oftentimes in our relationships we can't just do that. And even if we can bring ourselves to do that, we probably shouldn't. My scenario will apply to a significant-other relationship, but this may work in other relationships too.

Step 1: Take a step back.

It's ok to "go to bed angry" in my opinion. Who has the time to stay up all night circulating the same subjects? You'll just get more emotional, become a worse listener and feel more sluggish the next day. Agree to disagree for the time being and let your other half (and yourself) sleep on it.

Step 2: Schedule a meeting.

It may sound too stuffy for your relationship, but set a meeting time at least. You may or may not choose to both agree on terms and points for the meeting. For instance, you may give a 5 minute time limit for each person to reiterate their point for discussion, without interruption and before rebuttal. Get technical - use a stopwatch if you have to. Keep things fair and about the issues, rather then letting things get overly personal or hurtful. It may sound silly to get that nitty-gritty, but doesn't it also sound silly to argue about one person's "sassy" tone for 5 minutes? Be fair and expect fairness.

Step 3: Map out your plan of attack, er conversation.

Get all you points on paper and decide what fits the agenda (time-wise and subject-wise) and be sure to narrow your thoughts accordingly. Don't bite off more than you can chew and don't make your points a list of things you want your counterpart to change/adjust to. Be sure to not have the attitude of "winning" in this exercise either. You should focus on the goal of the argument and stick to being a collaborator in problem-solving. Be sure to include your own plan for a solution and be realistic.

Step 4: Pray before you revisit the topic.

If you are not the praying type, then meditate or have a few moments to yourself before the appointed time. It's important to bring your clearest, most open-minded self to the table.

Step 5: Listen.

Don't just "actively listen" with head-nodding and carefully dropped 'mmm-hmm's. Take notes if you have to, but be sure to hear your partner out and even adjust further points to what they've said (to either counter argue or decide a point is moot).

Step 6: Be concise.

Rambling and filibustering will only keep your partner from being able to do perform #5 adequately.

Step 7: Share and possibly integrate solutions.

Try to accommodate both parties. Work in the first priorities of both sides and then go down the line. Decide where compromises can be afforded. Pick your battles here. Although an all-around pleasing solution is not always an option, try to work both plans into a final agreement.

Step 8: Close the argument.

Let that water flow under that bridge and the bygones be those dog-gone bygones. Unless something drastically changes around the aforementioned subject, let it go. And one more cliché: It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you can live with each other!

Now I’m off to have my own try at this plan for relationship problem-solving. Stay tuned for me eating my words.