Tipsy Tuesday: Say "No" to No Commitment

My list of single friends (or family members) is dwindling, but for those of your out there who still are, this is for you.

Its super cliche, but if you are with someone and know that it's not going anywhere you MUST let them go. For both of your sakes. Maybe you're on the fence (but you have clear-cut signs from them - that you may be ignoring), but you cannot just wait there... on that fence... ouch! Keep living your life and make it known to them that it's all-or-nothing with you.

One of my recent roommates (before I got married) did this when some guy was flipping between dating her and dating his ex-girlfriend (yikes!). She put her foot down and said, "Hey, it's fine if you want to date her, but we you can't have both. I'm [out-skis]." And not that this is commonplace, but once she stood up for herself, he respected her more. He eventually came around to date her exclusively and they're happily together now.

We've all hung onto people for too long before and it's only hurt more to end it. Rip the band-aid off quickly.

The following are lies you may have heard:

- He said he wanted to be friends and we went straight from dating to being friends. Seamlessly. I don't feel hurt at all. In fact, I'm so not-hurt he comes over to change the light bulbs when I need him and even brought his new girlfriend so I could meet her. We're. such. good. friends.

- We're free to see other people while we date. I mean, I'm not seeing anyone, but I could if I wanted to. I just don't want to... 

- I'm still talking to him because he owes me money/has my sweatshirt/gives me that birthday gift. The second I get what belongs to me, I'm done.

- I need him.

- He needs me.

- I don't have anyone else in my life.

Lies, lies, lies. You're not friends, he's cheating on you, your stuff's not worth it, no you don't, no he doesn't, sure you do. You're reading this, aren't you?

You can't let anyone else in until you push him/her out. I've been on both sides of this situation and it's not worth hanging on. Draw a clear line in the sand and go your separate ways.

Sorry, this one was content-heavy and preachy. I get fired up about this nonsense.

Bev? How about something with, appropriately, bitters :)

How to Break-up with a Friend

Friends come to us in all stages of our lives. Some are long-lasting and some are a bridge from one stepping stone of life to the other. Some come and go quietly, drifting away with distance or diversion. Some show up like they're late to a movie, sit in the middle of the row (climbing over you), bring their own bag of chips, answer a phone call during a love scene and only leave when the staff comes to sweep the sticky floor.

You're either very fortunate or very timid if you've never had to break up with a friend before.

It can be planned or unintentional, but as with all break-ups, it is for the good of both parties. No one wants to be in a one-sided friendship.

- Is a friend hurting you? Not the "refining" kind of tough love that really builds character, but really tearing you down. Break-up.

- Is he/she pulling away when you need them or refusing to help you when they are mentally, physically, socially, emotionally capable? (I stress capable here.) Break-up.

- Is the friend parasitic? Is it in their character to take and take from you and you feel drained for being around them, supporting them? Sometimes our friends need more love and support - be there for them day/night/weeknights/midnights/whatever it takes. I say to only diagnose a parasite when behavior is consistent and independent of a period of stress. Then, point them to medical help and break-up.

The best case scenario is a break-up that happens naturally where both parties drift away. Even better if it happens after one or both move further from each other.

The idea is to remain amiable, but not friends. Let the time you spend with them fade and see if the relationship just sort of dissipates. If the friend is a pulling away from you first, then you may be able to do this easily. Chances are, if you've expressed any discomfort to them in the past, then pulling away might not be much of a shock to them.

If once you pull away the party expresses true interest in where you have gone socially (and not just a text or FB message saying "Miss U, lol, *smiley face"), then you can have a calm conversation with them using "I" statements.

"I am having a difficult time supporting our friendship right now and need to take some time out and reflect."
"I know you are having a hard time right now, but I feel like I'm not equipped to help you, maybe we can google for psychologists on your healthcare plan. I just want you to be well."
"I'm sensitive and need to take a step back from some people in my life. I think I need some space."

If you are at the point of a break-up, I assume you've had more than one argument or face-to-face confrontation with this individual where you've had the chance to offer up information to them about their behavior - a chance for the relationship to work. If not, have that conversation. But if you are breaking up with them, be firm. Don't let them keep coming back. Don't call them. Don't invite them to events (harsh? no, I don’t think so). You need to be clear with them and live up to the expectation that you set when you break-up.

A break-up is not the time to fix someone and it’s not a threat. It’s an action to benefit two people who are in a toxic relationship and should be intentional and final.

If you aren’t prepared to say goodbye to this person, don’t bring-up a break-up. Maybe you like their drama - if so, have your head checked. Of course, you may be right and they may be crazy (but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for).

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