Thursday, September 11, 2014

Something's Coming

Something's coming.
I can feel it at the back of my neck
the back of my throat.
I could split all my hairs from the end up
waiting for it.

Winter's early and hard and different this year.
It's full of change. Change within change.
I'll never be this again.
I don't know if I'll miss it.

I'm hurting you and you and you.
It's not my fault. I'm so sorry. I wish I could stop it.
Stop it.

god I hope no one reads this anymore.
Speaking of change. I'm not. I'm still stuck.
I'll always be unable to change. Let go. Move.

Time and space don't measure the same but somehow I'm supposed to move.
Start over.
Start over.

Time and space, I have threads and they'll be cut, surely. And moved.

That hard V. Why does it have to be so hard.
A turn.
A hard left or right.
Oh! Reserve your judgement because your turns are just as pointed.

I can leave a trail but I'll never go home again.
You'll have your cake and eat without me.
The postal service can stay in business maybe.
Your kids will hug me tentatively, strangely.
I'll keep sending checks and they'll know me from paper.

I'll be new, blonde, an entrepreneur. Shit. Ha!
How dumb.
If I can, if I am smart, I'll turn the dial way down.
Get really quiet.
and just be.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year, No Blog

Hi kidlets.

My new year's resolution for 2014 is to keep a kindness journal. Basically, I will make sure to write in a journal every day and make sure that I catalog at least one kind thing that I did or that someone did for me. It will give me incentive to be kind to people and also to notice and appreciate others. I did a daily journal thing in middle school/ high school and found it very rewarding. Let's hope I stick to it.

In order for me to devote to daily journaling, I'm going to give up the blog for a year. Regular readers know that I've lamented about the exposure it's gotten (minimal, but somehow meaningful) that makes me feel constricted. I don't process things as I should because I feel I might hurt someone's feelings with honesty.

It seems like a good time to take a pause. I am dealing with a lot of disappointment still and feel I can't fully appreciate what's in front of me (hey, did you hear I got promoted?). This past week I even got an apology from the only person to ever leave a mean comment on this blog. Granted, I bullied her into it, so what does that make me?  In need of a kindness journal, that's what. 

So with focusing my energy on the healing practice of private journaling, I hope to be more thankful and more connected in 2014. And who knows. Maybe I'll find the key to life and happiness by March and get back to blogging by my birthday. However long it takes, though, I'll give myself room.

Fear not, dear family. The instagram feed on the right will still be lighting up. Or you can follow me directly on instagram. I probably won't check back to see if anything's wrong with the feed/format here, as revisiting will be too tempting.

Adieu, mon petit kidlets. Jusqu'en 2015 ou ma tête est redressée, selon la première éventualité.

Friday, December 27, 2013

On Dasher, On Dancer, On Disappointment!

Where to begin?

In the past several weeks I've experienced HIGH levels of disappointment. These holidays have been particularly odd/sad and sometimes it's out of people's control.

But when it's NOT and people are disappointing, I have gotten furious. I can only give you one example because I can't guarantee I won't alienate people if I disclosed my other disappointments. Here goes.

There's a coworker who didn't have a place to go on Christmas, or so I thought. So I invited her and her boyfriend over for Christmas brunch and tried to make a party out of it. She and her boyfriend were the only committed guests, and I assumed that almost no one else would be able to make it on account of the day. I just wanted to do something nice and also have a reason to get festive on the actual day of Christmas. The Mr. and I have put up NO decorations, we didn't go crazy on gifts, our only sign of the season are the Christmas cards on our mantel* and the snow on the lawn.

I made two kinds of quiche, one vegetarian because she is, and some cinnamon rolls. We planned to open the bottle of champagne we got from our realtor when we bought the house. It was going to be a god damn celebration!

So when this girl texted me after she was over an hour late that she wasn't coming... I just... I just. (look at the cards, aren't they festive!)

And imagine this scenario 3x over.

That's how I feel. Disappointed. Angry. Let down. Not important. Like I am willing to walk over the center line to meet them at the 70/30, but they won't even go past the 10! And I'm not going to all these lengths because I like being over committed or someone's savior. I get wrapped up in what I think is a mutual understanding, but I get stuck holding the bill. ALL THE ADULTS IN THE ROOM, RAISE YOUR HANDS. YOU OWE ME 50% PLUS TAX AND TIP! Or worse, you owe me weeks of time that I can't get back for shouldering the burden for the both of us.

All of these disappointments have cost me time, money, energy and social interaction. We all know that social interaction is the priciest of currencies to me. I have a limited amount of socializing I can do before I crack.

And worst of all, when these people let me down, I have to let people I love down. When you commit to me, I make it known and set everyone's expectations of that commitment. The Mr. even started laying into these flaky folks and I had to stop him. It hurt me too much to hear him be disappointed too.

So to those I've disappointed this season, I don't think I'm passing the buck when I say, "it probably wasn't my fault."

And to those that have disappointed me this season, next time let's commit to not committing.

*Thanks to everyone who sent cards or other packages in the mail. Having those wonderful reminders to open these past few weeks are the only things that kept me from losing it. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

FIF: The First Amendment

I made a typo in the title of yesterday's post. Gah! I'm tired, folks. Not sleepy-tired, ready for a break tired. The end it nigh!

Anyway, so in all the opinions on the recent Duck Dynasty debacle, I saw this on Facebook and thought, "AH-HA! Yes! Something we can all agree on!"

Flip It Friday: Am I right? 
Do we agree that criticism of another's belief isn't denying them their belief? 
That we are each responsible for ourselves? 
That maybe if we don't want to be criticized we shouldn't criticize? 

'Cause I never criticize.

Please don't fact check this by reading any other post on this blog. I be a liar!

And if you just can't get enough of this discourse, read this blogger's editorial. I think she's magnificently eloquent and educated on matters at the intersection of race, religion, sexual orientation and mental health. Agree or disagree, it's well written.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I wrote a post but it was all "first world problems", so I scrapped it.

I don't even feel like paraphrasing it because it was really lame and whiny. Here is something funny to let you know I'm still alive.